Harold gets into a car accident and is forced to walk down the 405 while
trying to remember how the accident happened, trying to deliver an
important package to the closed post office, and trying to deliver a
gallon of milk for his wife.
This is something I've promised for a very long time, one of the few Presenter episodes that I thought had such potential that it would be worth writing about, but ultimately, like all of my ambitious ideas, it blew apart the minute I realized I wouldn't be up to the task of writing an entire episode, plus, the creative spark that lead to the episode's inception just hasn't returned in a versatile way. Despite those shortcomings, to satisfy the "audience" I have, I will post the incomplete first draft of the episode. Things to note: this draft only has half of the ideas from the original premise. Things that weren't included is a scene of 3-4 minutes of Harold talking to the milk as though it was his companion, similar to how I talk to myself in a state of paranoia when I'm alone for a period of time; another scene is where Harold is picked by a friendly stranger but kicked out when Harold decides to eat only a third of a candy bar; and even the original premise didn't have an ending. Admittedly, this premise borrows heavily from elements of Curb Your Enthusiasm, only exaggerated to levels even Larry David would never consider. The dialogue isn't as "fresh" as I remembered when I first tried to write this and may seem to be more disturbing than hilarious. Maybe I've become a harsh self-critic but recently, everything I've written hasn't been up to my standards, whatever those may be. Also, Season 3 will be posted very soon, but it will be the last season. I do love the premise of the Presenters, but I think it's time to move on. With that said, don't take this script very seriously as everything written is only for the sake of comedy, even if it's unfunny comedy. Thanks for reading and enjoy (if you do). Comments are always welcome.
Things (in parenthesis) are alternatives to lines written. They also indicate actions the characters make. A (weird) running joke is that Harold's wife doesn't have a name. This issue is addressed with in a later episode.
(Amateur Version) A blank screen. Unlike previous episodes, it opens with the theme from Curb Your Enthusiasm. The song plays for several seconds until cutting to a flashing siren and a loud wail. We cut to tow officers discussing the wreckage. Another cut shows the 405 still active although there's a noticeable curve of red lights and a patch of red, blue, and white. Another cut shows a car that has been flipped upside down. The camera moves towards the front of the car and the vague representation of fingers curled around the wheel. At this point, the song abruptly stops; a close up reveals Harold, still grabbing tightly onto the wheel, eyes blank and staring straight ahead at the road or sky. He looks quickly to the left and the right and unbuckles his seat belt. His body drops onto the floor, and his head bounces off the surface. In a panic, he searches around his car, and sees a gallon of milk, still strapped in the back seat. He carefully unbuckles it and grabs once it drops. An outside shot shows the side door trembling until a foot pushes it out. Harold carefully crawls out of the car. Once out, he turns back and sees the wreckage just as a fire ignites from the underside.
Harold: Hmm...
Harold sees an officer making a call and walks up to him.
Harold: Scuse me.
Officer #1: Hm?
Harold: Are you busy?
Officer 1: A little. Wait just a second.
Harold waits and checks on the damage of the car. A weird feeling creeps in on Harold and he begins coughing and hacking up loudly. Off camera, he spits out his cell phone.
Officer 1: Sir, what seems to be the problem?
Harold: (cleaning up the spit with his sleeve) Uh, well, I was the person who just had an accident. I, uh, climbed out of my car. I might have damaged my internal organs!
Officer 1: Sir, calm down. You look fine. Please return to your vehicle.
Harold: Is that a joke?!
Officer 1: Yes. Terrible, isn’t it?
Harold: Where are the paramedics? I, I need to get checked out. Something might be out of place!
Officer 1: Straight ahead. And don’t scream in front of an officer. You could be seen as a threat. (walks away)
Harold: (raises his hand) Won’t do that again. Sorry. (under his breath) Asshole.
Harold turns again to see the damage on his vehicle. (He pulls his wallet out and whimpers upon realizing the amount it will be to repair his car, or at least to be sold to a foolish buyer). Harold sees the paramedics.
Harold: Uh, scuse me?
Paramedic 1: What’s the problem, sir?
Harold: well, I just got into an accident and I was wondering if I might have any broken bones, or anything in that criteria.
Paramedic 2: What criteria?
Harold: Well, you know, the physical damage to the body. Look, can you just check me?
Paramedic 1: (shrugging at Paramedic 2) You look fine. Most people probably couldn’t walk up to us if their bones were broken. You did, so…
Harold: Walking is nothing! I might’ve gotten a temporary dose of adrenaline. My stomach might’ve been pierced. My small intestine twisted up! Please, just a quick checkup!
Paramedic 2: Sir!! You’re fine! Now, please, we have to see if everyone else is okay.
Harold: And who could that be?! I have the only upside down car right now!
Paramedic 1: Sir!
Harold: All right. God! (walks away)
Harold feels a rumble in his pants. He checks his phone. A close-up shows 6 missed calls from the Editor.
Harold: Oh, shit. (pushes send) ...helloooo?
The Editor: Harold, what the fuck happened to you? When I call a person, I expect him to fucking answer!
Harold: I know, I know. I’m sorry. I…I just got into an accident and-
The Editor: Harold, (don’t start flinging this shit in my direction). You’re supposed to be the reliable one.
Harold: I know.
The Editor: For God’s sake, I have to constantly hear this hullabaloo from those idiots you call friends and suddenly I get the same fucking routine from you?
Harold: Sir, it’s not a routine. I was driving down the 405 in a hurry, I black out for a second, and suddenly I’m upside down-
The Editor: Harold, you’re full of shit. Listen, I need you to do something for me.
Harold: What is it?
The Editor: There’s a really important package that you need to pick up from the post office.
Harold: Uh, I think it’s-
The Editor: I’ll text you the address. Now hurry. And next time, I will call you only once. If you don’t respond, you’ll be kicked out of my responsible list. Understood?
Harold: Yes, but-
The Editor: See you tomorrow. (hangs up)
Harold: How am I going to get there? (closes his phone) Damn it.
Harold holds his phone tightly and remembers the gallon of milk. He goes back to the car and picks it up. He begins walking away from the wreckage and towards the edge of the freeway when a huge explosion stops him. He turns back and sees his car smoldering and burning.
Harold: Course.
Harold walks away from the worse wreckage and walks into the darkness.
Harold shakes the gallon of milk to make sure it doesn't have any punctures or holes. Harold feels his phone vibrating and answers it.
Harold: Hello?
Wife: Hi, honey!
Harold: Oh, hi, (), how are you?
Wife: Fine, fine. Just been working on my (stuff). It's taking me a goddamn hour to complete it. How are you?
Harold: Uhhh...don't get worried. I'm fine...I kinda got into an accident-
Wife: WHAT?! Oh my god, are you okay?!
Harold: Yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine, I only have a few scratches. 'Cording to the paramedics, I'm perfectly fine if I can take a few steps forward.
Wife: Oh, that's a relief! Did you get the milk?
Harold: What?
Wife: The milk?
Harold: Oh, the milk. Yes, it was...my second passenger. In fact, it was the first thing I thought about after I got flipped upside down that the milk was still intact.
Wife: I'm sorry, but you know how important the milk is for the cake. It's a specific brand that's very popular-
Harold: I know, I know. I'm sorry, honey. Didn't mean to overreact on you.
Wife: It's okay. You have the milk, right?
Harold: Honey, I'm cradling it in my arms as we speak.
(Wife: Good. Do you want me to pick you up?
Harold: You could...uh, it's gonna be a little tricky, though.
Wife: You can just stay at the edge of the highway and wait for me to pick you up.
Harold: I know, but...there's a lot of rapists in dark places. (You might not want to pick me up when you arrive.)
Wife: Harold, don't be silly. No one's sane enough(going) to rape you.
Harold: How do you know?!
Wife: Harold.
Harold: Sorry, sorry.
Wife: Where exactly are you?
Harold: You know that giant hotel that's right at the crossroads of the 405?
Wife: You know...I'm just gonna use the GPS. I'll be over there pretty soon.
Harold: All right, see you later, then.
Wife: Bye. Don't get raped.)
She hangs up.
Harold: I'll try not to. Harold: Hmm...
.......................
If you want to see a visual interpretation of this scene, go here.
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Showing posts with label with. Show all posts
Saturday, May 5, 2012
Sunday, August 28, 2011
P112-A Trip With Mr. Hanks
Harold goes on a bus trip and winds up sitting next to his favorite
actor, Tom Hanks and they have a long conversation about their lives.
A long time ago, I went on a trip with my mom and little brother. Well, it was actually two years ago, but with the many events going on, it feels like a lot of time has gone by. We went to El Salvador, my parents' native country, and had spent two weeks with my grandmother and her family. We waited patiently for the bus that would take us to San Salvador where my uncle and his wife, Raquel, live. The buses were long, packed with people of little diversity since we were in El Salvador, and yet had much personality. There were some people selling tamales and pupusas, others selling life insurance. My brother's brilliant idea of bringing his PSP for entertainment backfired when he mistakenly assumed he could stay awake in a moving, flat tunnel. With no camera, the only thing I could use to amuse myself was my own mind. And here is where we'll begin.
THE OPENING: The screen turns on and the HBO logo is buzzing with TV snow. A slow hum plays as "Original Programming" appears under HBO. The screen goes black. The Presenters' logo lights up all of a sudden, cued by the theme song, the big band theme from Woody Allen's Sleeper. Some of the letters turn off/flicker on and off as the theme song plays for a few seconds. The logo is made up of carnival lights, similar to the logo for Boardwalk Empire.
Harold's car has been impounded after he mistakenly parkes his car in a handicap zone. Since he was in a hurry, he couldn't notice the faint blue paint had mixed in with the asphalt, and that some vandals has destroyed the handicap sign. For transportation, he decides to take the greyhound bus to take him all the way to Arizona to meet some investors. Harold has little confidence in strangers, and packs his supplies to make sure he doesn't interrupt the natural flow of things on the greyhound bus. He finds his seat, plops in his earphones, puts on his sunglasses and college hat, and doses off. His dream consists of an old-style rocking chair and some (Sprite)water filled to the top. He rocks back and forth a few times until he falls off his chair and lands on a bed of spikes.
"AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!"
"Hey, man, what's your problem?!"
"Uh…nothing. Oh, my god."
"What is it?"
"Are you…Tom Hanks?"
"Well, at the moment, I'm the guy who's drenched in his busmate's sweat."
"Oh! I'm, terribly sorry! My perspiration system has been faulty most of my life. The slightest moment of discomfort will cause the dam to break."
"That's…interesting."
Though the conversation begins well, Harold eventually gets to a problem when he asks Tom what his favorite genre of music is.
"Rap music, Harold."
"…what?"
First commercial break.
Since Harold has never come across a situation like this, he is unaware of how to respond to his favorite actor. For a minute, he begins ranting about how flawed Rap is compared to other song styles. The argument leads to Harold childishly berating Tom and his “ridiculous taste in crap.” After trying to convince Tom, Harold pushes Tom off the seat and tells him he's going to the bathroom. Tom tells him to have fun. Harold pushes a little girl, who has waited a long time, out of the way and slams the door shut. Sitting on the toilet, Harold looks around at every detail in the bathroom, counts the amount of toilet paper left, the bolts and screws, and begins piecing together his apology to Tom. Harold steps out of the bathroom and looks at Tom's head, now wearing his "invisible" hat. The little girl steps on Harold's foot and waltzes into the bathroom. Harold walks up to Tom's seat.
"Hey. Hey."
"Do you have something to say to me?"
"Uh, I might've taken my appreciation for goo- t,t,tasteful music a little too seriously and…have decided to keep an open mind about things. To tell you the truth, I've never heard of Run-DMC, or Tupac, or The Furious Five. And, I'm sorry."
"Do you mean that?"
"Yes, I do, wholeheartedly."
"You may take your seat."
"Thank you."
Once the moment passes, Harold and Tom Hanks begin to enjoy their company, almost too much as the bus driver forces them to leave the bus for making a distracting ruckus. While Harold listens to his command and steps off the bus, Tom insists on staying until the bus driver kicks him out. Tom drops face-first onto the desert floor. The bus takes off.
"Hey, you can't do that to me! I'm Tom Hanks!!!"
"Let it go, man."
As the bus recedes into the horizon, an irate Tom and a calm Harold walk together in the desert, just as they pass a sign: "Arizona-1 mile".
The problem with any episode that directly involves a celebrity is that the star cannot be enough to hold the episode together and that his presence has to make sense in the show's world. My excuse for Harold meeting Tom is that Tom is my favorite actor, and much like the South Park creators only caring about their favorite actress being on their show, the same rule applies to me. My guest list of stars would be Tom, Larry David, John Lasseter, other Pixar directors, and the Seinfeld cast. Perhaps its a bit limited but those are the rules. The show as a whole is carried by the regular cast and the occasional minor characters. It's a luxury that many animated shows don't take advantage of. Another problem is that the episode is entirely experimental in its concept, harkening back to the 'show about nothing' basis established in famous Seinfeld episodes The Parking Garage and The Chinese Restaurant, in that the whole episode revolves around the conversation with Tom Hanks and Harold. This episode would be an effort in trying to entertain the audience but also in writing dialogue that Tom would agree to say. If I could write one version of the conversation and have it approved by Tom, it would be quite an accomplishment. Above all, this episode would be the oddball of the season but in a risk-taking and enjoyable way.
A long time ago, I went on a trip with my mom and little brother. Well, it was actually two years ago, but with the many events going on, it feels like a lot of time has gone by. We went to El Salvador, my parents' native country, and had spent two weeks with my grandmother and her family. We waited patiently for the bus that would take us to San Salvador where my uncle and his wife, Raquel, live. The buses were long, packed with people of little diversity since we were in El Salvador, and yet had much personality. There were some people selling tamales and pupusas, others selling life insurance. My brother's brilliant idea of bringing his PSP for entertainment backfired when he mistakenly assumed he could stay awake in a moving, flat tunnel. With no camera, the only thing I could use to amuse myself was my own mind. And here is where we'll begin.
THE OPENING: The screen turns on and the HBO logo is buzzing with TV snow. A slow hum plays as "Original Programming" appears under HBO. The screen goes black. The Presenters' logo lights up all of a sudden, cued by the theme song, the big band theme from Woody Allen's Sleeper. Some of the letters turn off/flicker on and off as the theme song plays for a few seconds. The logo is made up of carnival lights, similar to the logo for Boardwalk Empire.
Harold's car has been impounded after he mistakenly parkes his car in a handicap zone. Since he was in a hurry, he couldn't notice the faint blue paint had mixed in with the asphalt, and that some vandals has destroyed the handicap sign. For transportation, he decides to take the greyhound bus to take him all the way to Arizona to meet some investors. Harold has little confidence in strangers, and packs his supplies to make sure he doesn't interrupt the natural flow of things on the greyhound bus. He finds his seat, plops in his earphones, puts on his sunglasses and college hat, and doses off. His dream consists of an old-style rocking chair and some (Sprite)water filled to the top. He rocks back and forth a few times until he falls off his chair and lands on a bed of spikes.
"AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!"
"Hey, man, what's your problem?!"
"Uh…nothing. Oh, my god."
"What is it?"
"Are you…Tom Hanks?"
"Well, at the moment, I'm the guy who's drenched in his busmate's sweat."
"Oh! I'm, terribly sorry! My perspiration system has been faulty most of my life. The slightest moment of discomfort will cause the dam to break."
"That's…interesting."
Though the conversation begins well, Harold eventually gets to a problem when he asks Tom what his favorite genre of music is.
"Rap music, Harold."
"…what?"
First commercial break.
Since Harold has never come across a situation like this, he is unaware of how to respond to his favorite actor. For a minute, he begins ranting about how flawed Rap is compared to other song styles. The argument leads to Harold childishly berating Tom and his “ridiculous taste in crap.” After trying to convince Tom, Harold pushes Tom off the seat and tells him he's going to the bathroom. Tom tells him to have fun. Harold pushes a little girl, who has waited a long time, out of the way and slams the door shut. Sitting on the toilet, Harold looks around at every detail in the bathroom, counts the amount of toilet paper left, the bolts and screws, and begins piecing together his apology to Tom. Harold steps out of the bathroom and looks at Tom's head, now wearing his "invisible" hat. The little girl steps on Harold's foot and waltzes into the bathroom. Harold walks up to Tom's seat.
"Hey. Hey."
"Do you have something to say to me?"
"Uh, I might've taken my appreciation for goo- t,t,tasteful music a little too seriously and…have decided to keep an open mind about things. To tell you the truth, I've never heard of Run-DMC, or Tupac, or The Furious Five. And, I'm sorry."
"Do you mean that?"
"Yes, I do, wholeheartedly."
"You may take your seat."
"Thank you."
Once the moment passes, Harold and Tom Hanks begin to enjoy their company, almost too much as the bus driver forces them to leave the bus for making a distracting ruckus. While Harold listens to his command and steps off the bus, Tom insists on staying until the bus driver kicks him out. Tom drops face-first onto the desert floor. The bus takes off.
"Hey, you can't do that to me! I'm Tom Hanks!!!"
"Let it go, man."
As the bus recedes into the horizon, an irate Tom and a calm Harold walk together in the desert, just as they pass a sign: "Arizona-1 mile".
The problem with any episode that directly involves a celebrity is that the star cannot be enough to hold the episode together and that his presence has to make sense in the show's world. My excuse for Harold meeting Tom is that Tom is my favorite actor, and much like the South Park creators only caring about their favorite actress being on their show, the same rule applies to me. My guest list of stars would be Tom, Larry David, John Lasseter, other Pixar directors, and the Seinfeld cast. Perhaps its a bit limited but those are the rules. The show as a whole is carried by the regular cast and the occasional minor characters. It's a luxury that many animated shows don't take advantage of. Another problem is that the episode is entirely experimental in its concept, harkening back to the 'show about nothing' basis established in famous Seinfeld episodes The Parking Garage and The Chinese Restaurant, in that the whole episode revolves around the conversation with Tom Hanks and Harold. This episode would be an effort in trying to entertain the audience but also in writing dialogue that Tom would agree to say. If I could write one version of the conversation and have it approved by Tom, it would be quite an accomplishment. Above all, this episode would be the oddball of the season but in a risk-taking and enjoyable way.
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