Now What? - This Room Keeps Getting Bigger

October 4, 2011...
I am alone again, naturally. My roommate is gone, and now I have a whole room to myself. I didn’t want my roommate to leave, but I knew why he had to. He’s been having a lot of medical issues recently and spent most of his time sleeping at home instead of sleeping in his room. Plus, he’s saving a lot of money by leaving, and he’s not the biggest fan of the meals offered by the university. As a self-proclaimed food lover who can point out the best meal in every restaurant, he has lots of reason to back up his argument. Because of his calm and free-flowing nature, he was the perfect contrast to my studious and agitated nature, and he was the first person I felt comfortable with in talking about anything. He’ll still go here, but I will miss him. Ever since my Spanish teacher told me to relax, I’ve had a chance to find some necessary breathing space every so often just to think about life or to hang out with friends. Yesterday and for some of today, I’ve used that time to feel increasingly homesick. It never occurred to me of the amount of people I had left behind or about how much everyone mattered to me until, well, as I type this. Because of the amount of work I’ve had this month, I can understand why I haven’t had enough time to reflect, but now that I do, it’s painful. Back in Cali, when I could’ve talked with anyone over Facebook over the summer, for some reason, I could never develop enough courage to try. My theory is that I became claustrophobic over the amount of faces I’d see at one time, but again, just a theory. Suddenly, being 2000 miles away from everyone has given me some amount of courage that I might try to talk to someone next Saturday night. Things might change, but one thing’s for sure, there’s no way in hell I’m studying for anything on a Saturday night. In Philosophy, someone brought an interesting point regarding the Apology by Plato. The Apology is about Socrates’ trial in Athens, where he tries to persuade the 500 jurors to realize the charges against him are unjust. Someone asked if Socrates discredits himself as an accomplished orator, does that make him an accomplished orator? I’ve asked myself that question many times before, and even though it sounds like a broken record, any amount of success I’ve ever had I constantly question. Why me, of all people, go to a university as prestigious as this one? Why does everyone relate with, and enjoy my stories when sometimes, I wish I never created them? Why do I have as many friends as I do? What do I have to contribute to society? Do I have to contribute anything? By the end of my college years, I might be able to stop questioning myself as much, but as it stands, it’s still a relevant issue. Occasionally, I feel like I’m having an identity crisis with myself where at one point, everything is normal but sometimes, I seem to escape from my body and possess someone else's, out of curiosity, never for nefarious purposes, and wonder what the other person may be thinking, if anything. Since the question, “Do I matter?” may be one repeated often in Philosophy, it does seem to be the right time to finally answer, but when I do, will it be a truthful answer or a reassuring lie? Only time will tell.

NW? - I Shouldnt've...                                        NW? - A Death in...

Now What? - I Shouldnt've (Insert Stupidity Here)

September 27, 2011...
I’m screwed. Theoretically, I am. After taking two hours off work(I mean, school) to plot out every single assignment I will turn in the next few months, I can conclude that I am totally screwed. Like a nut and a bolt. Boy, those $19,000 in tuition suddenly seems less valuable right now. I would pay a million to turn in each assignment but with no pesky due dates. Work at my own pace, you know. Great idea, right? Absolutely not. That could be the single worst idea I’ve theoretically come upon. 100 years to turn in something I could’ve done in 2 months? No, that’s just continual torture and how fitting would it be to eventually succumb to procrastination as both a bad habit and a cause of death. I will thank college right now, because I know I will be cursing it continuously, for giving me the privilege to complete so...much...work. Now, my brain is thinking consistently on getting the work completed, trying to make space for fun, and other things I could do with my time like...sleeping. Thank you college for allowing me to think for myself and realize the only cushion for a bad situation is my own body. Now if I can just be just as assertive towards laundry... In a few days, I have to turn a Spanish paper that I should’ve started on weeks ago. Nowadays, I’ve found the phrase “I should’ve (blank)” to be an excruciating reminder of my constant mistakes, whether large or small. Examples: accidentally spilled a sand structure as I left a teacher’s office (I should’ve been more careful), going outside of my dorm to find a pleasant place to study with one unfortunate detail forgotten regarding temperature(I should’ve brought my sweater), or just missing a frisbee(I should’ve stopped watching that bee). To be fair, these constant reminders do help, but in a nagging way. For all three examples, of course doing the right would’ve been better than the obviously wrong, but even for small incidents, repeating it to myself distracts and frustrates me constantly, enough that it might derail my progress and make me regret another thing (I should’ve told myself to shut up.) A small problem, but one I will have to deal with since it’s college (I should’ve drank from the cup I ordered instead of the red one.) No progress yet on the project for IgniteTV yet. I have to send a copy of it to everyone so that we can talk about on Wednesday’s meeting. Even for its simplicity, it’s a very ambitious project that may or may not interest the board(or IgniteTV members). I got to talk to my best friend from my old neighborhood. It might’ve been just a few texts back and forth but I was glad to hear from him again since we couldn’t hang out for one last time in the summer. He’s a good guy, probably the best guy I’ve ever known, a little eccentric here and there, but that’s why I love him. I really hope he’s doing well. It’s his senior year. I hope to be able to attend his graduation. I hope he gets to graduation. Yeah. I hope all of my friends get to take those immortal steps up the stands and reach out for a document that decreases in wealth but exponentially increases in value. A moment of absolute triumph that can only be captured once. No offense to the college graduation but that event is just a more exaggerated celebration with more people, more everything, really. The high school graduation is a truly intimate moment of victory. Will I ever reach my college graduation? As I’ve promised before, we’ll just have to see.

NW? - Phonograph                                             NW? - This Room...