October 4, 2011...
I am alone again, naturally. My roommate is gone, and now I have a whole room to myself. I didn’t want my roommate to leave, but I knew why he had to. He’s been having a lot of medical issues recently and spent most of his time sleeping at home instead of sleeping in his room. Plus, he’s saving a lot of money by leaving, and he’s not the biggest fan of the meals offered by the university. As a self-proclaimed food lover who can point out the best meal in every restaurant, he has lots of reason to back up his argument. Because of his calm and free-flowing nature, he was the perfect contrast to my studious and agitated nature, and he was the first person I felt comfortable with in talking about anything. He’ll still go here, but I will miss him. Ever since my Spanish teacher told me to relax, I’ve had a chance to find some necessary breathing space every so often just to think about life or to hang out with friends. Yesterday and for some of today, I’ve used that time to feel increasingly homesick. It never occurred to me of the amount of people I had left behind or about how much everyone mattered to me until, well, as I type this. Because of the amount of work I’ve had this month, I can understand why I haven’t had enough time to reflect, but now that I do, it’s painful. Back in Cali, when I could’ve talked with anyone over Facebook over the summer, for some reason, I could never develop enough courage to try. My theory is that I became claustrophobic over the amount of faces I’d see at one time, but again, just a theory. Suddenly, being 2000 miles away from everyone has given me some amount of courage that I might try to talk to someone next Saturday night. Things might change, but one thing’s for sure, there’s no way in hell I’m studying for anything on a Saturday night. In Philosophy, someone brought an interesting point regarding the Apology by Plato. The Apology is about Socrates’ trial in Athens, where he tries to persuade the 500 jurors to realize the charges against him are unjust. Someone asked if Socrates discredits himself as an accomplished orator, does that make him an accomplished orator? I’ve asked myself that question many times before, and even though it sounds like a broken record, any amount of success I’ve ever had I constantly question. Why me, of all people, go to a university as prestigious as this one? Why does everyone relate with, and enjoy my stories when sometimes, I wish I never created them? Why do I have as many friends as I do? What do I have to contribute to society? Do I have to contribute anything? By the end of my college years, I might be able to stop questioning myself as much, but as it stands, it’s still a relevant issue. Occasionally, I feel like I’m having an identity crisis with myself where at one point, everything is normal but sometimes, I seem to escape from my body and possess someone else's, out of curiosity, never for nefarious purposes, and wonder what the other person may be thinking, if anything. Since the question, “Do I matter?” may be one repeated often in Philosophy, it does seem to be the right time to finally answer, but when I do, will it be a truthful answer or a reassuring lie? Only time will tell.
NW? - I Shouldnt've... NW? - A Death in...
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