October 11, 1011...
I’m afraid to type about anything this week since it’s mostly very personal. Also, I have a crapload of work due next week, but that’s probably everyone’s situation. My brother hastily admitted that things have taken a turn for the worst since I left, and although it’s an expected reaction, it doesn’t make me any less guilty for “causing” it. My brother is only 13 years old, and only begun to realize how many challenges life will give him, and while I can advise him on most things, saying goodbye to your big brother is something he and I guess, all of my family, will have to learn to deal with, eventually. And to think the only problem I thought I had this week involved telling someone my religious affiliation (that doesn’t exist…yet.) As a creative thinker, an occasional thought can be something I love to dwell in for hours at a time, but sometimes, I suddenly get shoved right into a really uncomfortable thought that takes much effort and/or time to escape from. This week’s really terrible thought stems from the ongoing feeling I’ve had for this friend of mine. I never would’ve assumed anything about her, as to the possibility of a relationship and would’ve just waited to see what happen, but that’s never the way it works for me. The minute a conversation ends, my mind races with the numerous amounts of possibilities that this may lead to. I don’t know why that always happens, but I just can’t help it. It’s an internalized bad habit, and that much more difficult to break. In other news, I have a job. It’s not a very intense job, so…yeah, progress all around. Truthfully, I have nothing else to say about this week; in fact talking about anything just stresses me out further as I have to analyze on the many mistakes I keep making, and I’d prefer to just sleep on it right now. Sorry, bit of a cop out, but I couldn’t give any less of a damn right now.
October 25, 2011...
The wheel of life continues to spin on a flat. Since last week, and although I’ve had the support of my friends and loved ones, I’m still in a state of shock. The whole matter seems to be very simple and almost painfully complicated all at once. People keep asking me how I feel, and I can’t answer properly. How am I supposed to feel? Should be I grieving immensely, faking happiness to fill the hole, crying uncontrollably, or damning cars forever for being people killers? In a specific sense, I feel absolutely nothing at all, but much like there was no time in the beginning of the universe, at this moment, I might be experiencing every possible emotion but choose not to decipher any of them. To assign a feeling to my current state of mind feels cheap and artificial, just posting another symptom on the goddamn bulletin board, and since there’s no pin, it’ll stick right off. It’s been more difficult than on Saturday, when I went shopping for the first time (don’t judge me, at least I did it), it was the first time I realized how distant we truly were: the distance of myself at the ancient, filthy bus station and her body back in El Salvador. The distance of her and I: infinite. Life does go on, and much like Spielberg bringing Seinfeld tapes with him on the set of Schindler’s List, I will do the same by listing off my favorite Seinfeld episodes on my blog, an unoriginal idea but…fff!! Also, my feelings towards a certain someone grew unexpectedly. As I’ve mentioned, life can be pretty complicated about things like that.
November 1, 2011...
This is it! November will be my
month of triumph. No longer will I hinder my own progress on long-term
projects by watching comedies until 1 in the morning. No longer will I
stare at a blank page for hours with all of my books and resources
carelessly spilled out onto the tables. No longer will I grovel about
how much of a failure I am. No, enough is enough! I will be a college
student! Wait, hold on… How many papers have I written in two months? 5,
technically, and have I enjoyed writing those papers? Well, yes, since I
chose the subject for each. As it turns out, I’m already a college
student and have been one since August 24. There might be one
overarching problem that continues to be a problem, but in all other
regards, life as a college student has been wonderful. By joining a
fraternity, I’m learning about how to be a responsible person in an
irresponsible world, whatever that means. I set my own schedule, do my
own laundry, and so on, and so forth. I finally have two jobs and making
enough to live by, and overall, I’m amazed at the amount of friends
I’ve made in the first 2 months after fearing I would only make a
couple. Of course, seeing if those friendships will remain by the end of
the year is another story. No one ever considers that unless they have a
personal relationship with their friends; usually, we stroll across the
days thinking it’ll be the same for the rest of our college experience,
unaware of the possibility of change. Whether or not that possibility
makes us happy or not is another question to ask on another day. Either
way, it’s going pretty well so far, and aside from the warmth that grows
in our dorm, I’ve got no complaints…yet.
Editor's note: October 18th's entry was The Twentisecond One, with a few edits before posting.
NW? - This Room... NW? - Fixing the Flat
