Harold, in a Dante's Inferno-like journey, has his atheism challenged by none other than the devil himself who enjoys elaborate dance sequences.
The history of this episode is as long as the series itself. Unofficially the very first episode of the Presenters I ever came up with, (it's also the only episode that has an entire plot rather than just a vague description of what it could be about.) As I mentioned in the Season 3 description, it's also the only episode that I "performed" in front of my 10th grade geology class as a campfire story, only that my campfire was the bus lights. To a few, it was the highlight of the trip, and for me, it was one of the many highlights of my high school career. It's particularly remarkable that I still remember the entire plot even today as I attempt to piece it together in this blog post. I do remember that this episode was very similar both in timing and absurdity to The Simpsons/South Park/hell, even American Dad and seems to be the most unusual episode in comparison to the rest of the series. I consider it to be one of my favorite episodes and I'm proud to finally "present" it to you all for the first time. Every joke made is only for the sake of comedy so please, don't take it very seriously. Enjoy the show!
This post was edited by my brother, Gary Rodriguez.
THE OPENING: The screen turns on and the HBO logo is buzzing with TV snow. A slow hum plays as "Original Programming" appears under HBO. The screen goes black. The Presenters' logo lights up all of a sudden, cued by the theme song, the big band theme from Woody Allen's Sleeper.
Some of the letters turn off/flicker on and off as the theme song plays
for a few seconds. The logo is made up of carnival lights, similar to
the logo for Boardwalk Empire.
We cut to an empty road where a car suddenly appears in the focal point of the horizon. The car zooms by, revealing Harold singing along to AC/DC's Highway to Hell. He bangs his head to the beat shortly after "…The Promised Land," and accidentally hits the car horn. In the same moment, a flyer flies by the car and attaches to the left side view mirrors. Harold grabs the flyer. "Prepare yourselves for The Rapture. Don't be left behind! October 28th." Harold lets the flyer slip away from his hands: "That's a shame." The camera follows the flyer as it flies towards the sun. We cut to the Flowers United building. A few of the guys are in a circle sitting with their rollable chairs. Harold sits across from Tom telling his story.
Tom: It was late, about 9 o'clock when I left work. I was walking to my car, turning left and right for carjackers when suddenly, a woman showed up. She was dressed only in lingerie and asked me what I was doing tonight. I panicked and ran into the car, dropping my keys near the door. The woman called me a pussy and pulled out a crowbar, smashing the windows of the car saying, 'FUCK ME!!' I remembered how people can hot-wire the car and dove towards the pedals and pulled out the wires, begging to Christ that the car would start. She smashed the front door window and started reaching for my hair. I got the wires together and the car drove forward a few feet, dropping my would-be rapist to the ground. I thank God everyday that he gave me the strength to-
Harold: Hahahahahah!!!
Tom: What's so funny, Harold?
Harold: It's just kinda funny that you thanked God even though He'll never respond back.
Worker #1: What do you mean?
Harold: That He'll never respond because He doesn't exist.
The whole office gasps in horror and starts leaving in droves.
Tom: Of course, God exists. Who created the universe?
Harold: I don't know.
Tom: Exactly.
Harold: What kind of answer is that? No one knows.
Tom: Except the Lord Himself. It's no wonder you're such a troubled soul.
Harold: What the fuck are you talking about?
Tom: Language like that, my friend. Plus those blasphemous ideas you keep trying to pass off to The Editor. You have a lot to learn, my friend.
Tom stands up from his chair and walk towards the exit, leaving Harold fuming in his chair.
Harold: You guys are actually leaving. (dropping his arms in frustration) Jesus Christ. I can't- Ugh, you guys, you fucking bunch of-
The lights turn off, leaving Harold in the dark.
Harold: Goddamn it.
Harold works alone in his office, the weak glow from his computer being the only indicator of his impatience and disappointment to his whole staff. A tornado appears in the middle of the floor, catching a few invoices and scripts in a spiral. Harold stops typing, and turns back to look. The tornado suddenly starts striking bolts of lightning, one which hits Harold's chair. The tornado slows down, only to reveal a shrouded figure at the center.
Shrouded Figure: HELLO, HAROLD.
Harold: Hu,hello.
Shrouded Figure: Oh, you don't know who I am?
Harold: Uh, I think I do. I've seen plenty of movies.
Shrouded Figure: I am the DEVIL.
Harold: You don't look like the devil.
The Devil: OH, REALLY?! HA!
The Devil raises his arms and clenches his fists. The lights turn on.
Harold: That could've been an electrical issue.
The Devil: Oh, WELL, HOW ABOUT THIS?!
The Devil snaps with his right arm and shatters half of the lights.
Harold: (crossing his arms) Same thing.
The Devil: CLEVER BOY, AREN'T YOU?!
The Devil points towards the window and prompts Harold to walk towards it. Harold looks at the parking lot and watches as his car suddenly explodes.
Harold: I knew there was something wrong with the fuselage.
The Devil: OH, STOP IT NOW! I-AM-THE-DEVIL!!
The Devil stomps on the ground like a 5-year old and accidentally creating two holes from where he stands.
Harold: I'm sure you are. So, Mr. Devil, what are you doing here?
The Devil: I heard that you don't believe in GOD, am I right?
Harold: That's correct. I'm a devoted atheist.
The Devil: Well, don't you think it's very unusual how I'm standing here in front of you if supposedly God doesn't exist?
Harold: Not at all. For all I know, you could be a mentally damaged person suffering from hallucinations.
The Devil: Wha? Well, I guess there's only ONE way I can convince you I'm the real deal. We're-, (swoops towards Harold, and grabs his shoulders) going to HELL!!
The announcement cues another lighting bolt that destroys a light.
Harold: Well, it is kinda cold around here, and I'm sure Hell's very lovely this time of the year.
The Devil: (enthusiastically) I'm GLAD you think so! Better that you get acquainted now as it'll be your FINAL resting place.
Harold: (sarcastically) I'm sure it will be.
The Devil: Then it's agreed. Do you want to bring anything with you? Maybe a bottle of water?
Harold: No, I'm good.
The Devil: ALL RIGHT, THEN!!
The Devil moves back towards the center of the floor and grows to twice his size, still not tipping off Harold who looks at his untied shoes.
The Devil: (camera closes up on The Devil's face) LET'S GO TO HELL!!!
We cut to the Devil and Harold standing in the toilet as the Devil keeps pressing the toilet handle and making it flush.
The Devil: It takes a few tries. Hold on.
He presses it again.
We get to see the layers of the earth as The Devil and Harold drill themselves all the way down. A red dot on the earth marks their progress. We close up on The Devil and Harold, only to notice while The Devil is transparent, Harold isn't, and his entire body is being driven right into the layers of the earth, although he isn't being ripped to shreds.
Harold: You BASTARD! Why would you do this to me?!
The Devil: This isn't the Stairway to Heaven. I have to be consistent on appearances, you know?
Harold: YOU-
We cut back to the Earth map, as the red dot stops once it reaches the very core of the Earth. We cut to Hell, a flaming, boiling hellhole. The Devil passes through the ceiling and lands on the floor. Harold reaches the opening, and is pushed through the ceiling forcefully, circling around several times, and drops all the way to the floor. Harold shakes his head as he gets up, just as a water bottle drops on his head.
The Devil: Welcome to HELL!! AHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Two huge spirals of flames burst from the floor. Harold looks around and sees all the archetypes of Hell, a sign pointing someone to the elevator that takes you to the 2nd circle of Hell, the River Styx with a sign saying (Polluted. We're "taking care" of it.), some tortured people being whipped by The Devil's minions, and large condominiums.
Harold: What the-
A big band starts playing. The flame spires turn into lines for musical notes. The Devil slides into view while holding a top hat.
Harold: Uh-
The Devil plops on his top hat. He flips around backwards and pushes his arm forward just as a cane appears in its hand. The Devil pulls the cane back and spins and jumps on a platform emerging from the ground. Harold walks closer and wipes his brow, just noticing how unbearably warm it's become. The Devil starts singing, very similar to the Robot Devil's performance in Futurama; the camera cuts to his melodic chorus made up of people who have been stripped of their skin and as soon as they stop singing, they get whipped by small goblins. The Devil jumps from his perch and sings again, just as rock monsters emerge from the ground, only to pull out their own top hats and canes. The rock monsters start tap dancing in tune to The Devil's dance and are incredibly nimble in their performance. Harold sits with crossed legs as he moves his head in tune to the beat. The Devil raises his arms triumphant ally, cueing the end of the song. The rock monsters put on their hats, bow and fall apart, rolling on the ground as pebbles. The skinned chorus are whipped as they climb down from their platform. The Devil burns his top hat and cane while also teleporting back to Harold.
The Devil: WEREN'T EXPECTING THAT, WERE YOU?
Harold: …no.
The Devil: Well, what are you waiting for? THE TOUR'S ABOUT TO BEGIN!
A stage light from the performance drops just out of view. Harold stands up, and walks with The Devil.
Harold: Do you have many visitors?
The Devil: Not really. We have been trying to improve the look of Hell to encourage tourists. We don't really get visitors though, only permanent residents.
Harold: I see. So is it like Dante Inferno's or-
The Devil: Oh, no, no, no. It's nothing like that. I gave Dante a lot of creative freedom when he wrote his magnum opus. It's much, much worse.
Harold: Oh.
The Devil: Yeah. (pulling its cape like Dracula) LET ME SHOW YOU!
Harold and The Devil walk down a suburban area of Hell, made up entirely of cul-de-sacs and McMansions.
The Devil: We have a very nice assortment of rotten food except fish, that's always fresh. We only have one bathroom.
Harold: Oh, that must be-
The Devil: The cleanest place in Hell? Yes, it is.
Harold: Hmm.
The Devil takes Harold to a vibrantly clean white door compared to the red, chrome feel that surrounds all of Hell.
The Devil: The residents also have only one laundromat. People chuck their dirty clothes right into Purgatory and all of their stains are wiped clean.
Harold: How do people reclaim their clothes?
The Devil: With long hooks.
Harold: But how do they know if it's their-
The Devil: Onto the next stop!
Harold: But-
The Devil takes Harold to the local park, where the only playground equipment is the fireman pole, and the roundabout. There's no conceivable way of climbing to the pole.
The Devil: Well, what do you think?
Harold: It's absolutely terrible! What do you want me to think?!
The Devil: Oh, goody! You hate this place, don't you?
Harold: Yes, yes, I hate this fucking place! I hate it! You've proved your point so when am I getting out of here?
The Devil: OUT OF HERE? YOU'RE NEVER GETTING OUT OF HERE!
Harold: What?!
The Devil: That's right! So I guess I'll see you on Friday for orientation. TA-TA!
Harold: Hey, where do you think you're going?!
The Devil turns into a dark cloud and floats away while laughing maniacally. Harold tries to grab him but only gets ahold of air, and drops on the bench. He jumps back noticing that he sat on a large spike.
Harold: That was unnecessary.
Harold walks around Hell, asking people to help him but nobody gives him the time of the day. Harold then asks someone for the time of the day to which someone punches his head with his wrist.
Male Hell Extra: It's 4 o'clock.
Harold: Thanks.
The guy walks away, leaving Harold sitting on the ground. He stands up in a hurry when he notices fire termites running on the ground. He looks up and sees a movie theatre showing Psycho in 5D. He walks towards the ticket booth.
Ticket Booth Man: 5 dollars.
Harold: Uh, my money burned up as soon as I made it here.
Ticket Booth Man: Oh, MR. HOWARDSON! I didn't know it was you! Come in, come in!
Harold: Uh, thanks.
Ticket Booth Man: (leaving the booth) Wait, wait, I have to give you your glasses!
The Ticket Booth Man pulls out the 5D cyan/magenta-colored glasses. He slaps the glasses on Harold, then pulls out a staple gun. He presses the staple gun against Harold's forehead and staples the glasses on.
Harold: AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!
Ticket Booth Man: Enjoy the movie!
Harold grabs his glasses and tries to pull it out. He begins tearing up and goes to the confectionary stand.
Harold: Hi. Can I have some popcorn?
Snack Booth Woman: Sure. What size?
Harold: Um, what's your smallest size?
Snack Booth Woman: Obese.
Harold: I'll take that.
Snack Booth Woman pulls out the popcorn and sprays on The Devil's brand of hot sauce.
Harold: Uh, I didn't want-
Snack Booth Woman: Enjoy the movie!
Harold: But-
The Snack Booth Woman pushes Harold out of the room, and causes Harold to spill some of his popcorn. The popcorn burns a hole right through the floor. Harold walks to the front row, just when the iconic shower scene begins. Harold sits on the front row looking at the screen, only to notice that Janet Leigh is right next to him being stabbed.
Janet Leigh: AAH! AAH!
Harold: (holding the popcorn bucket) Neat.
Janet Leigh: (looking at Harold) You bastard! Why aren't you doing anything to stop this?!
Harold: I remember this scene being much scarier.
Janet Leigh: Asshole!
Harold: Mmm. (looks down and sees there's no popcorn) AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!! What is this?!
The popcorn bucket leaves Harold's arms and sucks him in. Harold drops into a realm dripping in psychedelic colors.
Harold: Wha, wh, what's happening?!
A large, severed hand grabs Harold's legs and pulls it off from his body. We can see Harold's stomach and intestines as the hand stretches it out. It touches the stomach and makes it glow. Harold closes his eyes and shifts his head back. The hand smushes Harold's intestines back into his body and drops him. Harold falls and stares at a giant reflection of himself. He breaks right through his reflected eye and continues to fall. The camera pulls back all the way to show Harold as a rotating speck surrounded by absolutely nothing.
Unknown Voice #1: When was the last time you saw something like this?
Unknown Voice #2: I don't know. A while, I'd imagine.
Unknown Voice #1: Sir, are you all right?
Harold: (looking in all directions, hurriedly trying to find the voice) WHAT?!
Unknown Voice #1: I don't think he heard me.
Harold: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
Harold finally lands painfully on the white floor. He lies face-down on the ground. An unusual chorus of people start chanting his name in unison. Harold sits up and clenches his teeth. He looks in all directions.
Harold: God, is that you? Listen, I'm a very stupid man. I believe in many things, such as aliens and goodwill. I'm just as foolish as anyone else!! Please, I'm a young man. I have many years to repent my many, many sins. I can start right away! Please, please forgive me! I'll do anything!!
The white space disappears as we notice the devil holding a really bright flashlight away from Harold.
The Devil: ANYTHING?
Harold: AH! What the fuck are you doing here?! Where's God? I thought I was in Purgatory?
The Devil: Naw, you've been here the whole time. So…do you repent your SINS?!
Harold: Yes, yes, anything you want, please!
The Devil: Excellent! Looks like someone owes me 10 dollars.
Harold: What are you talking about?
The Devil: I snuck into one of God's parties in Heaven, (whispers in Harold's ears) wild stuff, (moves back) I saw the great white bearded one dancing to Wagner's Ride of the Valkyries, and before he kicked me out, we agreed on a bet that if I could convert someone, I'd get 10 dollars.
Harold: I guess, ultimately, that's what everybody's life is worth.
The Devil: (nods) Well, you can't have Christianity without The Devil. You're free to go!
The Devil pulls out a toilet handle and pushes it down. Harold gets sucked up and taken back to the surface. The Devil waves him goodbye. He begins to frown.
The Devil: (speaking to one of his minions) Holy crud, that guy was a jerk!
Back on the surface, Harold walks into the office where he sees his co-workers talking in a circle again.
Harold: Hey guys! How are you doing?
Tom: Oh, uh, Harold, we're kinda having a religious conversation here and we know how insensitive you can be about that.
Harold: Well, hold on, I actually-
Worker #1: Seeing as you're a product of the devil and all.
Harold stands at the entrance and grabs one of his pencils. He thinks for a moment before reconsidering his unnecessary tirade.
Harold: Right. The devil. I'm gonna go see what the writers are up to real quick. Excuse me.
Harold walks back and heads to the elevator. The elevator doors open and Harold walks in.
Harold: Someone just lost ten dollars.
The episode ends as soon as the elevator doors close.
