Ideas That Will NEVER Happen: Vol. Cuatro

What's this? Another project from 7th grade that went unfulfilled? Almost. Let's start from the beginning...

The Idea: A long time ago, when making drawings brought out encouragement from my parents, rather than shameful silence, I began work on my first and only graphic novel that I've ever completed: Sonic the Hedgehog vs The Dark Emerald: An epic adventure in 4 parts! The comic follows the adventures of a blue, anthropomorphic hedgehog as he is, once again, forced to stop everything he's doing to destroy Dr. Robotnik's latest creation, a gigantic(and lazily drawn) Mecha Sonic with rectangular eyes and noses. An epic 10 page battle rages on until Sonic single-handedly annihilates the machine with his spin jump. Ready to chase after Dr. Robotnik, Sonic uses the seven chaos emeralds to transform into Super Sonic. The emeralds merge into Sonic's body, only be expelled out of it, launching Sonic a few feet away. The emeralds merge into a large emerald that becomes darker and darker. Dr. Robotnik, in his floating mobile, chuckles endlessly at his diabolical plot of "pretending" to lose only for Sonic to use the emeralds haphazardly. Keep in mind that I (and probably many other dedicated fans) came up with this idea long before Sonic Unleashed. The dark emerald communicates(through some unusual way) to Sonic that it plans to obliterate itself from within the core of the earth, cause a powerful energy surge that will spread across the entire planet and cause hundreds of years of darkness. Of course that's what it'll do. After laughing hysterically and spitting at Sonic's face, the emerald flies off and Sonic runs after it. An elaborate chase sequence involving lasers, clouds, and planes occurs and a direct hit at the emerald causes it to shrink. The emerald flies off to the nearest volcano while Sonic and a horrifically drawn Tails head off to Tails' laboratory to design an unfashionable shrinking suit that's impervious to lava. A few pages later, Sonic chases after the emerald again, all the way to the deepest part of the ocean where, after a young blogger decided that drawing the lava suit was simply too much trouble, decided Sonic can proceed in his adventure able to breathe underwater. Another dramatic battle goes on that leaves Sonic bruised up until he remembers the six chaos emeralds, still in his possession somehow, begin glowing and fire a rainbow-colored laser at the dark emerald, that just arrived at the core of the earth(if this doesn't make sense, blame my 10 year old self for learning about the 42 presidents instead of the layers of the earth). The dark emerald's power diminishes dramatically(seems to be a trend 'round here) until it self-destructs, launching Sonic out of the ocean and onto an island. Sonic, in a few panels, recovers and smiles triumphantly towards the sky, thumbs sticking out, hubris assured. If only my love of nonsensical plots continued to this day, I'd have finally finished my goddamn screenplay.

Why this will never happen: The story, to my ten year old self, is as convoluted yet endlessly entertaining as any summer blockbuster but even for a property like Sonic the Hedgehog, the only places a plot involving a floating, talking dark chaos emerald would be suitable is in fan-fiction or the comic book series. It's been really great trying to recreate this story from the original drawings that are, unfortunately, long gone, but it does show how quickly ideas can flow when they have a chance to be revised in anyway, and although the overall plot doesn't make sense, at least the transitions from one scenario to another make sense. Having said that, this relic from an ancient time will remain that way since, due to college, cynicism, and some bouts of depression, making a story like this would involve a ridiculous amount of time I simply don't have right now. Oh right, the other reasons. Um...SEGA already has a stable of ideas/plot-lines for Sonic's next video games but even they won't try to write a plot as farfetched as a dark emerald...but if they do, I was the one who called it.

Ideas That Will Never Happen: VOL ONE!

What you are about to read will never happen. It doesn't matter how much money you contribute, how many brilliant minds you stuff into a cramped room to make the idea comprehensible, it will NEVER happen. Though the mind is free to create whatever scenarios it can, even it is fully aware of some ideas that poison the mind and endanger it. This is one of those ideas.

This guy vs this guy.

In a CGI, 15 minute short film. For those who have played Sonic Unleashed or Bioshock, you might have some idea how this could've worked. Shortly after completing his latest adventure, Sonic decides to retire from the adventure business. Making his hasty decision, Sonic heads back to Central Park(since every movie has to take place in New York), Sonic recalls the first dash he ever had. I'm not a fan of Sonic's voice work so he would be silent the whole time. He remembers the people he accidentally bumped into, the first time he ran across the park's pond, and at sunset when he slowed down for a moment to see the changing colors across the skyline. His retirement ends shortly when he sees an advertisement for a travel agency offering a cheap trip to Greece. Forgetting his own speed and sudden lapse into poverty, he rushes over to the closest agency and asks about the lowest price. He steps into the agency, a few seconds pass, and the door flies off the handle as Sonic dashes into a nearby dumpster and hides, waiting for the police to pass. Sitting in the dumpster makes Sonic realize how uncomfortable it can be to be a blue, anthropomorphic hedgehog, especially in an enclosed space, and decided to run all the way to Greece with his own two feet. He becomes a notorious "freak of nature terrorizing the defenseless citizens" and is up for capture by the government. His only crime is to accidentally blast past a five-year old holding a dollar bill. Such impeccable speed causes the dollar to slip through the boy's hand and drop right into Sonic's. With the first dollar he's ever owned, he buys an ice cream cone from the only person who's intrigued by his existence. He bids a quick farewell to the vendor and runs off. His trip in Greece is fun until he hears a rumbling beneath his feet. Looking back, the ground cracks and crumbles until an enormous drill blasts from the ground and spins quickly. The drill chases Sonic's tail until poking Sonic and stopping him momentarily. Sonic tumbles to the ground and grabs onto the drill, spinning him at ridiculous speeds until releasing him in a burst of blue light. The drill stops and recedes back into the ground. Sonic, running at top speeds, runs away from the mysterious being chasing him and dodges every obstacle he approaches. Shortly after, the drill reemerges and chases Sonic. Sonic approaches a gap, grabs a pole, and changes directions. The being unexpectedly crashes through the ground and reveals its entire self. It is a Big Daddy from Bioshock. The Big Daddy grabs onto the edge and hurls itself back onto the ground. Sonic is far away from the BD so the BD runs towards him and activates its rocket shoes. The BD approaches Sonic and reaches for him with his molded and rugged hand. Sonic dodges it, breaks a pipe, and hurls it at the BD's helmet, sticking it. The BD removes the pipe and uses it to swing at Sonic. Sonic narrowly avoids the BD's close swipes until the ground below him breaks and Sonic and the BD falls into the sewers. At this point, my 10th grade mind turns off and goes back to studying for a test.

Why this will never happen: First of all, the most unlikely paring of characters and the amounts of contracts for each character to appear in the film. Second, it's a short film that would require the cooperation of a major film studio to finance the film. The fact it's a CGI film would also complicate the cost. Third, the Sonic I'm describing doesn't exist in modern society or at least in SEGA's society. Making Sonic silent would anger the existing voice actors, and reduce the interest of younger fans who don't understand the beauty of a simple foot-tapping gesture compared to some saying, "Gotta get movin'!" Fourth, I've never played Bioshock and don't know what the Big Daddy's role in the game is. For the short film, you can infer that Big Daddy is a government experiment made to capture Sonic. I don't know if this is completely contradictory to the source material, but for that reason alone, the inclusion of the Big Daddies wouldn't make any sense. Also, admittedly, the scenario I've described isn't very convincing, but believe me, it would be one of a hell of a production if it ever existed.

An Anthropomorphic Hedgehog's Birthday

Running at the speed of sound might be the most dangerous thing anybody can try to do. For many people who think about attempting a run like that, they imagine themselves alone and running down a flat, empty road. What does Sonic the Hedgehog imagine when he runs at those speeds? He wants deadly machines built by a maniac, bridges on the verge of collapsing, platforms galore, golden rotating rings that may or may not have any value... In other words, a daring and adventurous run. One of the great mysterious of the world is explaining how a hedgehog of all creatures can run at such speeds. some claim it's his shoes while others believe it's a god-given talent. Rather than wonder, Sonic just keeps running, and as of today, he's been running for the past twenty years, and will keep going for...who knows how long. It's funny when people ask me if I still love that running guy, although I'm also grateful to be living in a world where people are more tolerant towards others in their hobbies. It's painful to realize that thirty years ago, a young John Lasseter was tormented constantly for loving cartoons. The second decade of Sonic's career has been a difficult one as being his fan is becoming a nostalgic obligation instead of a whole-hearted commitment. Discovering the internet the first time, I realized how despised Sonic was in many forums and websites, and how the announcement of Sonic in Super Smash Bros. Brawl, a popular fighting game, was only exciting since it gave haters a chance to utterly destroy Sonic with the game's many weapons, but as someone who is an unabashed fanatic of the blue blur, I couldn't understand how anybody could hate him. I wasn't thinking about the corporation's mascot, or the guy who was in that shitty unplayable game, or the 90's symbol who was becoming an utter dissapointment. I think of him as an incredible character who's bursting with energy and neverending excitement. That's the way I've thought of him since I was three years old playing his game on the Sega Genesis, and that's how I'll continue to think of him throughout the rest of my life. Happy birthday, you chili-dog eating fiend! A cake is waiting for you on my dining room table.