Place where I came up with the story: In the bathroom at about 11:45am while applying Proactive on my face. As an impatient person, it’s no wonder I never got around to finishing this story even though I still remember most of it. Looking back, it must’ve been a very stressful time to come up with a story this explosive. Eventually I will post the next part as the next part of the story must be told. With this second post, I’d just like to remind everyone that I won’t post things daily as that would be a major obligation. Also, when I began considering what to post on this blog, most stories will be as crazy as this one, but that’s okay. It’s all a part of the creative process. That being said, there is foul language and if you’re against that, wait till the next post for something less profane. For everyone else, enjoy.
It’s about 3 pm in the middle of summer. Friend 1(35 yrs. Old) sits in his lonely little apartment, licking what’s left in his peanut butter jar while watching a horrible program on his analog television set. Suddenly Friend 2(36 yrs. Old) comes in, Kramer-style, holding a sheet of paper.
Friend 2: It’s time…
Friend 1: Hammer time? Party time? Bullshit time? What’s your preference?
Friend 2: Time for my revenge!
Friend 1: (Continues looking at the screen) Seriously?
Friend 2: Yes. He’s been waiting for it for a long time and his time has finally come.
Friend 1: It’s never a she, is it?
Friend 2: Actually, I have a couple of she’s…but that’s for another time. No, my plan is for someone who’s deserved it for far too long.
Friend 1: Funny… many people come to mind but I can’t figure out who would be one you’d want to kill.
Friend 2: I don’t want to kill him. Just embarrass him till he becomes suicidal-maybe.
Friend 1 gets up from his chair and opens his refrigerator. Friend 2 starts unraveling his sheet of paper and shoves it in front of Friend 1’s face. Friend 1 grabs an empty glass bottle and hurls it at Friend 2’s face. Friend 2 ducks at the last minute.
Friend 2: Heh. You know you could’ve killed me there.
Friend 1: I could’ve? Really? That’s horrible…
Friend 2: You bastard. This is exactly what I’m talking about. These types of actions will no longer be accepted after my revenge has been exacted.
Friend 1: Huh?
Friend 2: HE was my bully.
Friend 1: Huh. How unexpected. What a surprise. I’m gonna keep bullshitting you till I don’t feel like it.
Friend 2: He was one hell of a bully, one of the rare ‘can turn a doorknob’ kinds of bullies. Bullied his way to becoming CEO of some fucking company that I only learned about after watching ‘his’ commercial. I had to stare at his face for thirty fucking seconds, way too long for me to take. And that’s when I realized it was time for some good’ol fashioned payback. So since that commercial aired about 5 minutes ago, I’ve been compiling a scheme of the most evilest of evils.
Friend 1: Why not just be happy for his success like a normal person?
Friend 1 grabs an opened can of Budweiser and stumbles back to his seat. Friend 2 grabs the remote and turns off the TV.
Friend 2: Obviously I have to…bring a light to some of his…previous endeavors.
Friend 1: (pulls can tab) You keep pausing. I’m intrig(drinks from the can)
Friend 2: Eh, every memory with that bastard has been a painful one. Whether my whole face has been plunged into a toilet and some shit gets in my mouth, or my whole body is being suspended by my underpants on a flagpole and all I do is pray that I don’t fall. Which I did, twice. The first time it happened, I stopped believing in the atheist god.
Friend 1: Classic bully. Heh. You know, I feel sorry for your troubles but…(smirks) BWAHAHHAHAHAHA!!! I never…I never thought I would meet anyone who’s actually gone through this type of shit. IT’S HILARIOUS!!
Friend 2 crumples up his paper into a ball and starts juggling it. He stares at Friend 1 with disbelief as Friend 1 finishes his can, crumples it and throws it at a corner.
Friend 2: I thought you’d like that, but not only did he force me to write on the chalkboard for some ‘coolness’ law I apparently broke, but he would whip me while I was doing it!
Friend 1: With what, a jump rope? A little girlyness would degrade anyone.
Friend 2: No, my drunk and confused friend, he-would-wwchip me with electrical wire which he kept in a box that he could only open while he had rubber gloves on!
Friend 1 stops smiling and thinks for a moment. He suddenly remembers his younger voice as it screams for help desperately. STOP WHIPPING ME! Nah. It doesn’t make sense to stop. But this is inhumane! Just my point. You’re not human since you’re a nerd so…ah! AhH! AAAAAAHHHH!!!! Friend 1 comes back to planet earth for a moment and starts listening to what Friend 2 is saying.
Friend 1: I’m…intrigued. I really am this time.
Friend 2: Wait, you weren’t before? Well, what was I doing talking for such a long time? Maybe I should go-
Friend 1: Nononono! I’m listening. Tell me, tell me. What is your magnificent, vengeful plot?
Friend 2: Listen, what I’m about to show may scar…most of your life. I haven’t tested it with others yet.
Friend 2 unwraps his paper ball, revealing its true identity.
Friend 1: I thought you were going to show me a disturbing Photoshop, not a bunch of words.
Friend 2: Ah, but they contain the most malevolent text you’ll never read.
Friend 1: Huh?
Friend 2: Sorry, (pulls away the sheet) but this text is much too delicate for someone like a nonbully to handle.
Friend 1: Aren’t YOU a nonbully?
Friend 2: I am, but I’m holding a piece of paper you’ll never read so I am at a different level of exclusivity. Anyway, for my plan, I need you to spend the amount I am about to give you. May you care it well.
Friend 2 gives Friend 1 a distinctive amount of cash from his wallet.
Friend 1: 5 dollars?
Friend 2: And I want you to purchase the following items: some type of container, I don’t care if it’s spherical or cubical, and H20 although there may be an infinite supply of it in your sink.
Friend 1: and what, in fuck’s sake, are you going to do with a bucket, most likely, and H2fucking0?
Friend 2: What we’re going to do is break into his company…
Friend 1: Yeah?
Friend 2: …barge into his office…
Friend 1: YEAH?! YEAH!!
Friend 2…and dump the water over his face!
Friend 1 gets out of his chair, does a triumphant-kind of dance, and starts choking Friend 2. After a few seconds, he lets go and sits back in his molded, springs-sticking-out chair. He grabs and stretches his face in disbelief.
Friend 1: You’re serious?
Friend 2: (coughing and breathing)Ach, yeah.
Friend 1: This is what you’re going to do to the man who electriwhipped you in your wee-little years of life?
Friend 2: I was actually pretty tall when I was 9. It was kind of embarrassing getting my assocks kicked by someone I could’ve considered as a midget.
Friend 1: Even so, is this really it?
Friend 2: Well, yeah, I mean his clothes are going to be wet, his bodyguards will be pointing and laughing at him, there might be a small chance of rain inside his office…
Friend 1: Tell you what, what if I…make some creative changes to this operation? What if I take over the whole thing? Huh? What do you think?
Friend 2: Ha, why would you want to be in charge of a vengeful plan?
Friend 1: Do you really want to know why…or will you just let me do it?
Friend 2: Nah, whatever insipidly inane story you’d like to tell me will not relinquish my rights for this plan.
Friend 1: I don’t think you’ll feel the same after it’s been told.
Friend 2: All right, then. Fire all weapons.
To be continued…never.
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