Now What? - Pessimism and the American Dream

I’m a semester away from graduating college and yet, in the past few months, I’ve constantly fantasized about dropping out.

This wouldn’t be the first time I thought it would be a good idea to give up on something I’ve invested much time and money into. There’s been two classes that I’ve failed in school because I became terrified of turning in an awful paper. One day of skipping class became avoiding class for the rest of the semester. Professors are usually baffled when this happens as they expect something better from me. So what happens that leads to me giving up?

For the past few months, I have taken a voluntary leave of absence from college. The first month was practically like winter break. My brother and I watched hours and hours of anime and I was excited to bring some of my scripts to life. Two weeks later, as soon as I realized that nobody could help me while I was in LA, any kind of enthusiasm I had slowly died off and I resigned myself to believe I was out of ideas. It’s now March and the only project I’ve been able to work on consistently is the podcast.

Since January, days begin when I’m willing to crawl out of bed, make a very cheaply-prepared breakfast, and check Reddit and Twitter for 2 hours before I take another nap. Sometimes I get a lot of work done, sometimes I don’t. I’ve been working on a pitch for the Moth podcast and begun production on a comedy short. It’s not unusual for there to be a 1-2 week gap between work days. After filming something, I tell myself that I’ll take out the camera again the next day and do the next collection of shots. What actually happens is that the camera stays snuggled in its bag, and I go to sleep regretting not getting any work done. It’s been like this for three straight months.

Since I graduated from high school, I’ve been struggling with low self-esteem issues and depressive episodes, making it feel impossible to maintain a positive perspective on a daily basis. I’m always afraid that I could become such an overbearing burden to my family that they will distance themselves from me as the black sheep, as the disgraceful failure. Being “unemployed" has only exacerbated these thoughts.

Is it simply having a job and spending time out of the house that will satisfy me? No, it’s being financially secure. I’ve made the questionable decision to study filmmaking and guarantee to be in relative obscurity for 10 years despite the constant gratification filmmaking gives me. However, there’s another problem with being a filmmaker: no guarantee of financial security. I’m part of the second generation of my family living in the United States. My parents have told me for most of my life that I’m intelligent and determined enough to guarantee they can one day live comfortably retired and that my little brother won’t have any difficulties paying for his college education. They deserve that break but that’s an unquestionable amount of pressure they’ve placed on me. It also doesn’t help that I grew up chasing the idea of the American Dream.

To me, the American Dream is owning a 2-story house, a respectable place you can call your home. As of now, I know nothing about mortgages or anything else about the housing market. What I do know is that owning a home means you have some kind of money. It’s too much to ask yourself to own a 2-story house that quickly after graduating from college but from my upbringing, owning a 2-story house meant you succeeded in the world. You can take care of yourself and, maybe, your children. I’d like to rent an apartment eventually, maybe a year after graduating, but in the back of my mind, as I look at my ferns and sit on my IKEA couch, I’ll tell myself, “this isn’t my 2-story house. I’ve done everything wrong. I’m a failure.” If fervently chasing the American Dream is demonstrated with hard work, perseverance, and confidence, then why have I hesitated in finding a real part-time job for this much time?

Fear.

Fear of being a failure. Fear of disappointing your entire family. Fear of losing the respect of my friends and peers. Fear of dying alone. Fear of not being funny enough for a stupid comedy short no one will watch. Fear of being a homeless drunk licking the streets for nutrients. Fear and fear alone is what paralyzes me and restricts me into the warm embrace of my comfortable bed. Fear is what kept my camera in my bag the day after I tried filming something. Fear is what kept me from telling my brother, my mother, and anyone reading this about my deep-seated troubles for this much time. 

In order to begin living my life the way I want to live it, I have to shut down any negativity I’ve ever had, and push away any fear I’ve ever had. That means thinking positively, starting today and maintaining that for the rest of my life. How do I do that?

...

Back to square one.

Here’s a Kirby Gourmet Race remix with Stone Cold Steve Austin. 

Vid originally by Mowtendoo

I was inspired to write this after listening to this episode of This American Life, about a group of public high school students who visited a private high school for the first time: http://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/550/three-miles 

It’s the first time in a long time that I feel like I’ve gotten some sense of direction. Now to see if I can maintain it...

NW? - Departure

Random Chatterings [Ep. 9.75] - Looking Into the Toy Box (and finding neurosis)

This episode is technically a holdover episode with "new" material due to many, many things going on that Arlill explains in the intro. This time, we made sure to include entertaining anecdotes and moments since the last episode was a bit heavier in terms of the material we usually present. In this episode, Arlill talks about his dream with Ellen Page, argues with Gary about things, and has a candid discussion about Toy Story 3's ending.

DOWNLOAD [17:48]

We are constantly tweaking the podcast format so if you have any suggestions or questions, feel free to post them in the comments.

Technical info:

Recorded with a Sansa Fuze and Adobe Audition CC by Arlill Rodriguez

Edited with Adobe Premiere CS6 and Adobe Audition CC by Arlill Rodriguez

"Feel It All Around" by Washed Out 

Random Chatterings Theme Song (piano and orchestrated versions) by Sergiy Turchyn

"Violin Concerto in D Major" composed by Brahms

"Strange Things" by Randy Newman

"So Long" by Randy Newman

2010, 2014

EPISODE 9.5                                     EPISODE 10

Random Chatterings [Ep. 9.5] - Summer=Chicken Plate

Prologue to this episode: http://randomsquiggledwords.blogspot.com/2011/09/summerchicken-plate.html

This episode is technically a holdover episode with "new" material due to many, many things going on that Arlill explains in the intro. Like Episode 5, this episode is comprised of older recordings from 2010 related to the beginning of summer and Arlill's fears and concerns with the future. 

We'll be back to our regular schedule very soon!

DOWNLOAD [18:50]

We are constantly tweaking the podcast format so if you have any suggestions or questions, feel free to post them in the comments.

Technical info:

Recorded with a Sansa Fuze and Adobe Audition CC by Arlill Rodriguez

Edited with Adobe Premiere CS6 and Adobe Audition CC by Arlill Rodriguez

"Final Zone～Genesis version～" from Sonic 1 composed by Masato Nakamura

Random Chatterings Theme Song (piano and orchestrated versions) by Sergiy Turchyn

"Swan Lake, Op. 20 - Scene, Act 2 #10" composed by Tchaikovsky

"Symphony #5 In C Sharp Minor - 4. Adagietto Sehr Langsam (Conclusion)" by Mahler

2010, 2014

EPISODE 9                                     EPISODE 9.75

The Sixtininth One

The headline is correct. For the fall semester, I will be going to the University of Carlos III in Madrid to study film-making. It’s been my dream since sophomore year to be able to officially study filmmaking under an official curriculum. Officially. With all of this going on, I must be one extremely excited to go. Right?

I’ve completed three years of college (a massive accomplishment, in and of itself) with only one left to go. Then what? To be honest, I’m not completely sure how I’m supposed to feel right now, especially with the beginning of my professional career looming closer and closer. 

I’ve also chosen to participate actively in the film industry where there is not a guarantee of financial security. It’s also incredibly competitive and I will be going up against other ambitious and creative filmmakers pushing to have their own ideas produced. I am very much aware of these difficulties, especially if I pushed myself to create my own film major, but now that I’m closer to the goal, I couldn’t be more frightened as well. The most anyone can say is "if you’re passionate about something, pursue it endlessly" but at what point should you admit that you’re abusing yourself too much to achieve your dreams? 

Maybe that’s what’s worrying me the most. This fall, I will be able to prove, once and for all, if I am capable of doing film. I’ve done it before (to mixed results) but can I do it under an academic program? Should I even be asking this question if only to ruminate on it for the rest of the summer?

…I guess I’ll find out a few months from now.

I made some promises that I did not adhere to, College Student: Nutrition for example, so I apologize to you all for not keeping up with them. I won’t say what I’m working on now since that puts more pressure on me but I will say that stuff is coming, sooner than you might think. With yet another year of working on this blog coming and going, I’m always surprised by the small yet devoted following that I somehow maintain and could not be more grateful for your support especially when I ask for absurd requests like this one: "So, I'm currently writing a script and one of the characters is a ghost. Do you have suggestions for comically tragic ways that the character died? I'd really appreciate it!”

Thanks for being with me on this crazy journey.

-Arlill “Arley" Rodriguez

The Comedy Journal (of Certain Observations)

H-hi there. Happy 2014.

It's been a while since I've updated the blog so it should be fair to let you guys know exactly what's going on. First of all, the blog is going through some massive changes. As you can tell on the tabs, some things have been changed. For one, "short films" has its own tab now since the blog will become a focus on video-related projects from now on. What this also means is that there will be more periodic posts detailing the process of film-making (that I know at this point in my career). This means behind-the-scenes photos of short films I'm working on, and maybe even some commentaries if I can figure out how to do that. This is because I've realized that in my three years of maintaining the blog that I enjoy writing anything if it's related to film. If I ever do write a short story/poem, I will post it on the blog but expect more film-related posts from now on. I feel like I've said the same thing three times so I will move on. The "Other Things" tab includes both Presenters posts and Now What? posts. I think this will make the blog more interesting to read and for me, at least, it'll make the blog worth investing in. I look forward to update you all on progress on The College Student: Nutrition and any other projects I'll work on in the near future. I will also try to diversify the blog with occasional reviews, recommendations, academic papers, and unearthing certain..."works of art" from my past. You've been warned. 

And with that, what the hell is the Comedy Journal? Well, my dear reader, I will tell you. I took a class last semester on comedy films. One of the assignments we had was to keep a journal of moments that we personally found very humorous. The catch was that we could only write down humorous observances, not situations that happened to us. We could also write about comical things that we found on the internet. So this is the comedy journal I turned in for the class. Iz purty gud. (groans)

Wednesday, Aug. 28, 2013
I was walking by Adelbert, walking to my next class, and watched the many other "faceless" students also walking hastily to their next objective. A van waited to turn right on Euclid. Across the street, a student stood very still as he called someone.
I thought about a white van full of pranksters that see the student. Their friend, Emily, has been talking with them and the van door is open. The driver says, "We're gonna get him good! Grab her!"
Emily says, "What?!" The guys grab and pull her into the van, leaving the student shocked by what he's just seen. The driver laughs heartily until he looks in his side mirror and sees the panicked student struggling to dial his phone. The van swerves into traffic and stops in front of the student, with the guilty driver trying to explain himself. The student does not think that the prank was very funny and it doesn't help that Emily continues to play the role of the captured woman to further incriminate her boyfriend, the van driver.
 
Friday, August 30, 2013
A student grimaced when he sees a wet floor sign used as a doorstop right at the entrance of a bathroom, not wanting to think about why the floor is wet. It didn't help that he walked toward the urinal and made squeaking noises at every step.
 
A student gets a hot dog from the dining room. He gets the brilliant idea to put a slice of cheese in his hot dog. He waits until he gets back to his seat. He wraps the cheese around the sausage and is puzzled when the cheese unwraps itself. He keeps trying to wrap it again and again but the cheese will not bend to his will.
 
Wednesday, September 5, 2013
I was eating in the dining hall and noticed that younger students tend to go sit with people they already know. As they sit in their chairs, satisfied that they have found their common group of friends, I reminded myself that I have my own group of friends, the table and chairs at the corner of the dining halls. They are always in the same place and every time, they look forward to seeing me as I assure them that I will never abandon them. Never, ever.
 
Wednesday, September 12, 2013
On the left side of the bridge, there’s a serviceably sized parking structure for students, faculty, and the sort. The building isn’t completely rectangular; in fact, the roof slants downward but the rest of the building is perfectly rectangular. It looks like there’s a large, invisible weight sitting on top of the building, literally bending the roof into a curve.
 
Thursday, September 19, 2013
I have a fairly good view of downtown Cleveland from my building/residential house/dorm. Directly across from my window, there is a tall building with bright, clear lights blaring out from the window. The window looks like an adorable, confused, round ghost straight out of Pac-Man and at night, its eyes light up in the midst of the somewhat dreary Cleveland skyline.
 
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
 A long yet beautiful day was approaching its end. The bright, yellowy glow from the sun's dying rays crossed paths with the tall, glass windows until landing on some exhausted student's face. The young student was reading a complicated book on Philosophy with an even more complicated title. Suddenly, President Obama awoke the young student and told him that he was taking his seat. The student jumped up and landed on his bum. His glasses falling to the floor, he quickly looked around hastily to see if the president was still there. Alas, upon seeing the potted plants placed on the opposite ends of the windows, he remembered he was not at the White House, but at the marshmallow-y chairs found at Kelvin Smith Library.
 
 Friday, September 27, 2013
The windmill: a proof of Case's commitment to the future to renewed energy and flying cars. The old medical building with a single smokestack sticking from the top: the image Case Photoshops out of every pamphlet when they mention their progressive environmentally friendly agenda. Practically standing across the street from each other, these two titans are ready to wage war against each other, a battle no one will pay attention to due to the urgent examinations that must be taken care of first.
 
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
An old house right behind my dorm building was torn down recently. It had been boarded up and it was a matter of time before the bulldozers finally brought it down. The walls and debris were swept away, leaving behind the trails that look suspiciously like crop circles. It's only a matter of time before the UFO's are redirected from Roswell and land instead in University Circle.
 
Tuesday, October 8, 2013
Brawl In the Family comic strip: Sonic's Eyes
Sonic is a video game character with a rather unusual design. His eyes aren't separated like other characters/humans but are instead placed together. It doesn't make sense without some kind of image. Anyway, this humorous and cute comic strip makes three jokes at Sonic's expense about his unusual design, one where his pupils intersect at the center, one where he loses his contact lenses which look like goggles, and the last one where Sonic looks cross-eyed much to his friend's dismay who runs away frightened by what he's just seen. Sonic removes his sleep mask and prompts two bugs to fly away.
 
Thursday, October 16, 2013
I'm talking with a friend and the topic of humor comes up. She talks about how she is not completely sure why she laughs or chuckles at certain things. Knowing how sensitive she is about certain things, I try to explain my sense of humor. I have difficulty explaining my morbid and cynical sense of humor to her until I try to make an example of it. In a single breath, I explain to her how, in a few billion years, the human race as we know it will be extinct. Shortly after, in astronomy scale, Earth will be swallowed up by the Sun with the rest of the Solar System to follow. The Sun will blow up and then the universe will continue to spin around until it expands forever and eventually freeze into place forever and ever. We're laughing as hard as we ever had at the sheer absurdity of this reality that we will never see.
 
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
We watch the film Borat in my Jewish Image in Popular Film class. Despite the film's offensive nature, it's one of my favorite satirical comedies of the past few years. Curiously, I looked up the Wikipedia article about the film and read the "Controversy" section. The amount of lawsuits levied against the film was astounding. In connection with the Carnivalesque, it was understandable that most people who made fools of themselves on camera would find it difficult to laugh at themselves. But the fact people's first reaction was to sue and try to win some money for the misuse of their public image shows how little they learned from the film in the first place, a film made to expose hypocrisy in the US in the most daring way possible.
 
Saturday, November 9, 2013
My suite-mate and I talk for a very long time about nonsense. At some point, he stumbles over and almost falls down as I reach out to catch him. He plants his feet on the ground and says, "I decided to fall down but then I decided not to." It took me a while to compose myself after laughing really hard at his comment. It took a while longer to explain why the moment was hysterical in the first place.
 
Tuesday, November 15, 2013 
Nature reared its ugly head again and blew away every single leaf on the tree in front of my building. Every branch looked a thin and crooked line that would have been drawn by a kindergartener. I also couldn't stop but think about how each branch also looked laundry being wrung clean especially by how much it flickered and waved around in the wind.

Thanks for reaching the bottom. I have both a YouTube channel and a Vimeo channel. I'm also on Twitter and Tumblr. If you like this, even a bit, join the RS Facebook group for updates and info on my projects. Take care, everyone!