Now What? - Pessimism and the American Dream

I’m a semester away from graduating college and yet, in the past few months, I’ve constantly fantasized about dropping out.

This wouldn’t be the first time I thought it would be a good idea to give up on something I’ve invested much time and money into. There’s been two classes that I’ve failed in school because I became terrified of turning in an awful paper. One day of skipping class became avoiding class for the rest of the semester. Professors are usually baffled when this happens as they expect something better from me. So what happens that leads to me giving up?

For the past few months, I have taken a voluntary leave of absence from college. The first month was practically like winter break. My brother and I watched hours and hours of anime and I was excited to bring some of my scripts to life. Two weeks later, as soon as I realized that nobody could help me while I was in LA, any kind of enthusiasm I had slowly died off and I resigned myself to believe I was out of ideas. It’s now March and the only project I’ve been able to work on consistently is the podcast.

Since January, days begin when I’m willing to crawl out of bed, make a very cheaply-prepared breakfast, and check Reddit and Twitter for 2 hours before I take another nap. Sometimes I get a lot of work done, sometimes I don’t. I’ve been working on a pitch for the Moth podcast and begun production on a comedy short. It’s not unusual for there to be a 1-2 week gap between work days. After filming something, I tell myself that I’ll take out the camera again the next day and do the next collection of shots. What actually happens is that the camera stays snuggled in its bag, and I go to sleep regretting not getting any work done. It’s been like this for three straight months.

Since I graduated from high school, I’ve been struggling with low self-esteem issues and depressive episodes, making it feel impossible to maintain a positive perspective on a daily basis. I’m always afraid that I could become such an overbearing burden to my family that they will distance themselves from me as the black sheep, as the disgraceful failure. Being “unemployed" has only exacerbated these thoughts.

Is it simply having a job and spending time out of the house that will satisfy me? No, it’s being financially secure. I’ve made the questionable decision to study filmmaking and guarantee to be in relative obscurity for 10 years despite the constant gratification filmmaking gives me. However, there’s another problem with being a filmmaker: no guarantee of financial security. I’m part of the second generation of my family living in the United States. My parents have told me for most of my life that I’m intelligent and determined enough to guarantee they can one day live comfortably retired and that my little brother won’t have any difficulties paying for his college education. They deserve that break but that’s an unquestionable amount of pressure they’ve placed on me. It also doesn’t help that I grew up chasing the idea of the American Dream.

To me, the American Dream is owning a 2-story house, a respectable place you can call your home. As of now, I know nothing about mortgages or anything else about the housing market. What I do know is that owning a home means you have some kind of money. It’s too much to ask yourself to own a 2-story house that quickly after graduating from college but from my upbringing, owning a 2-story house meant you succeeded in the world. You can take care of yourself and, maybe, your children. I’d like to rent an apartment eventually, maybe a year after graduating, but in the back of my mind, as I look at my ferns and sit on my IKEA couch, I’ll tell myself, “this isn’t my 2-story house. I’ve done everything wrong. I’m a failure.” If fervently chasing the American Dream is demonstrated with hard work, perseverance, and confidence, then why have I hesitated in finding a real part-time job for this much time?

Fear.

Fear of being a failure. Fear of disappointing your entire family. Fear of losing the respect of my friends and peers. Fear of dying alone. Fear of not being funny enough for a stupid comedy short no one will watch. Fear of being a homeless drunk licking the streets for nutrients. Fear and fear alone is what paralyzes me and restricts me into the warm embrace of my comfortable bed. Fear is what kept my camera in my bag the day after I tried filming something. Fear is what kept me from telling my brother, my mother, and anyone reading this about my deep-seated troubles for this much time. 

In order to begin living my life the way I want to live it, I have to shut down any negativity I’ve ever had, and push away any fear I’ve ever had. That means thinking positively, starting today and maintaining that for the rest of my life. How do I do that?

...

Back to square one.

Here’s a Kirby Gourmet Race remix with Stone Cold Steve Austin. 

Vid originally by Mowtendoo

I was inspired to write this after listening to this episode of This American Life, about a group of public high school students who visited a private high school for the first time: http://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/550/three-miles 

It’s the first time in a long time that I feel like I’ve gotten some sense of direction. Now to see if I can maintain it...

NW? - Departure

Being Told to Hold the Controller

Orginally written on October 15, 2011.

Part two of a three part weekly series. Before working on the neurotic character essay, I was assigned to write a 3 page argument on a subject of my choice and I couldn't resist tackling the controversial issue about video games and whether or not they've dumbed down society. As a gamer, I understand both the positive and the negative aspects of gaming, how it could isolate you from the real world if you play for a long time(24 hours is my limit) but how it could also be a way to experience a brand new world and interact directly with the environment. That sounds a bit outlandish but I can promise you that the essay is very clear. To be honest, this paper was something I could only dream of writing in high school and I can't find any problems with it although there are probably a few. One more negative thing about gaming: it is one of the few things that can set me off more quickly than annoying jerkasses. Like always, let me know what you think/how the argument could've been improved in the comments. 

Video games have faced numerous controversies and accusations of being a wasted form of entertainment. Many people believe that video games have caused us to become more spastic, less able to focus on tasks, and diminished our capability to think. Video games simplify our impulses into objectives that range from getting from point A to point B to killing as many people as we can in a time limit, but as with any genre that we don’t really understand, we tend to generalize video games of still being this simple. In the year 2011, video games have advanced far beyond anyone’s expectations, and while enjoying the game is significant to its quality, so are the story and characters. Video games are capable of giving us enough control that they stimulate our behavior other than radically weakening it.

Video games have evolved from the basic arcade games, as they promote critical thinking as an incentive to completing the game. One of the most famous video games released in the modern era is Portal. The game begins with a simple premise: you are a lab rat in a science experiment, testing out a device called the portal gun, supervised by an artificial intelligence computer system called GlaDOS. Once the player absorbs those details, the game begins. Video games usually have time limits that increase tension and can make someone unnecessarily anxious when playing. Portal has no such time limit, and gives the player all the time in the world to complete each puzzle. The only distraction is GlaDOS who encourages you, the test subject, to complete each “impossible” puzzle, as well as quitting in order to get cake… that you will never get.  The game also doesn’t pressure you into completing every single object at once; in fact, your impatience grows from either having a compulsory need to complete every single puzzle quickly, or from making brash decisions that only impede your progress. Portal’s many puzzles encourage you to slow down and make rational decisions in order to solve each puzzle, like solving a Rubik’s cube.

Portal is an innovative game not in only in gameplay, but also in story development that makes the experience more thought-provoking than others want to give it credit for. Portal plays normally up until a certain point where the game tests out your survival skills against gun turrets. You see a cube that can be used as a shield or a weapon, but it’s been precariously placed in between a malfunctioning wall panel. By removing the cube, you see a hallowed, rusted room that is the exact opposite of the testing labs; the game doesn’t force the player to see the room. It is only the player’s own curiosity that makes them cross into the hallowed shadows of the Aperture Science Testing Facilities where the player discovers some disturbing “holes” in the testing labs. Unlike most video games that force your attention, this is a moment you can choose to encounter or ignore.

The game makes a witting remark on how most people view gamers as mindless drones who only complete objectives, but this humanizing moment demonstrates how conscious gamers, or everybody else, can and have always been. A pivotal moment in Portal is when GlaDOS suddenly gives you a companion cube to use as a part of the experiment. The cube, despite being a lifeless object, becomes essential in completing the puzzle and you begin to grow attached to the object or accept it as just another tool at your disposal: it depends entirely on the player’s reaction. You arrive to the end, and hope to bring your cube along with you, but GlaDOS asks that you take your “new” friend to the incinerator for proper disposal. If you are the mindless drone GlaDOS expects you to be, you’ll destroy the cube and move on to the next portion of the game, but if you had any attachment to the cube whatsoever, you will hesitate, only be pressed on further by GlaDOS to destroy the cube. Evidently, the cube’s destruction is the only way to progress. Your attachment to the cube is spurred further when you discover some unusual wall markings that praise the cube, almost sanctifying as a holy object. Either way, Portal demonstrates that mental thought and understanding can be relevant in video games, as well as being a vehicle for advancing the story.

Now why does it matter? As I mentioned before, video games are currently a misunderstood medium. At one point, every medium we relate to today was lambasted by the majority for being useless and over stimulating until enough people made it acceptable in our culture. What these people don’t realize is that a sophisticated medium has existed for 40 years, and is much more engaging than a currently respected medium like film, for example. Usually, it takes a small group of craftsman who truly understand their craft to create glorious works of art much like the geniuses at Valve Corporation did in making Portal, but video games have always been an integral part of our culture, even if it has only been a small portion of it. As the medium continues to advance into new unexplored territories, people’s perception of games as an important medium will continue to grow, but even games like Portal shouldn’t be singled out as the only major advance in video games. Even goal-oriented games like Super Mario Brothers and Sonic the Hedgehog, made in 1985 and 1991, respectively, were innovative in their time for being bright, colorful games that also valued the player’s attention and mastery of the games’ diversifying locations much like Portal. Video games have always been relevant and in time, it will be as respected as the one of the most treasured literary devices of our time.

Works Cited:
Portal Version 1. October 9, 2007. Bellevue: Valve Corporation. October 14, 2011.

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