I’m a semester away from graduating college and yet, in the past few months, I’ve constantly fantasized about dropping out.
This wouldn’t be the first time I thought it would be a good idea to give up on something I’ve invested much time and money into. There’s been two classes that I’ve failed in school because I became terrified of turning in an awful paper. One day of skipping class became avoiding class for the rest of the semester. Professors are usually baffled when this happens as they expect something better from me. So what happens that leads to me giving up?
For the past few months, I have taken a voluntary leave of absence from college. The first month was practically like winter break. My brother and I watched hours and hours of anime and I was excited to bring some of my scripts to life. Two weeks later, as soon as I realized that nobody could help me while I was in LA, any kind of enthusiasm I had slowly died off and I resigned myself to believe I was out of ideas. It’s now March and the only project I’ve been able to work on consistently is the podcast.
Since January, days begin when I’m willing to crawl out of bed, make a very cheaply-prepared breakfast, and check Reddit and Twitter for 2 hours before I take another nap. Sometimes I get a lot of work done, sometimes I don’t. I’ve been working on a pitch for the Moth podcast and begun production on a comedy short. It’s not unusual for there to be a 1-2 week gap between work days. After filming something, I tell myself that I’ll take out the camera again the next day and do the next collection of shots. What actually happens is that the camera stays snuggled in its bag, and I go to sleep regretting not getting any work done. It’s been like this for three straight months.
Since I graduated from high school, I’ve been struggling with low self-esteem issues and depressive episodes, making it feel impossible to maintain a positive perspective on a daily basis. I’m always afraid that I could become such an overbearing burden to my family that they will distance themselves from me as the black sheep, as the disgraceful failure. Being “unemployed" has only exacerbated these thoughts.
Is it simply having a job and spending time out of the house that will satisfy me? No, it’s being financially secure. I’ve made the questionable decision to study filmmaking and guarantee to be in relative obscurity for 10 years despite the constant gratification filmmaking gives me. However, there’s another problem with being a filmmaker: no guarantee of financial security. I’m part of the second generation of my family living in the United States. My parents have told me for most of my life that I’m intelligent and determined enough to guarantee they can one day live comfortably retired and that my little brother won’t have any difficulties paying for his college education. They deserve that break but that’s an unquestionable amount of pressure they’ve placed on me. It also doesn’t help that I grew up chasing the idea of the American Dream.
To me, the American Dream is owning a 2-story house, a respectable place you can call your home. As of now, I know nothing about mortgages or anything else about the housing market. What I do know is that owning a home means you have some kind of money. It’s too much to ask yourself to own a 2-story house that quickly after graduating from college but from my upbringing, owning a 2-story house meant you succeeded in the world. You can take care of yourself and, maybe, your children. I’d like to rent an apartment eventually, maybe a year after graduating, but in the back of my mind, as I look at my ferns and sit on my IKEA couch, I’ll tell myself, “this isn’t my 2-story house. I’ve done everything wrong. I’m a failure.” If fervently chasing the American Dream is demonstrated with hard work, perseverance, and confidence, then why have I hesitated in finding a real part-time job for this much time?
Fear.
Fear of being a failure. Fear of disappointing your entire family. Fear of losing the respect of my friends and peers. Fear of dying alone. Fear of not being funny enough for a stupid comedy short no one will watch. Fear of being a homeless drunk licking the streets for nutrients. Fear and fear alone is what paralyzes me and restricts me into the warm embrace of my comfortable bed. Fear is what kept my camera in my bag the day after I tried filming something. Fear is what kept me from telling my brother, my mother, and anyone reading this about my deep-seated troubles for this much time.
In order to begin living my life the way I want to live it, I have to shut down any negativity I’ve ever had, and push away any fear I’ve ever had. That means thinking positively, starting today and maintaining that for the rest of my life. How do I do that?
...
Back to square one.
Here’s a Kirby Gourmet Race remix with Stone Cold Steve Austin.
Vid originally by Mowtendoo
I was inspired to write this after listening to this episode of This American Life, about a group of public high school students who visited a private high school for the first time: http://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/550/three-miles
It’s the first time in a long time that I feel like I’ve gotten some sense of direction. Now to see if I can maintain it...
NW? - Departure
NW? - Departure
