Now What? - Departure

November 22, 2011...
In a few days, I will return to my native homeland: Inglewood, California, where I will frolic and dance with the inhabitants until the chocolate bunnies rise from the ground, only to realize they’re a few months earlier till Easter, and disappear without a trace. In reality, Wednesday will be a day of regaining the enthusiasm and imagination from the days of old, before every comment about seeing raining gumdrops would lead to a drug intake accusation. I haven’t seen my brother in almost three months, and as much as I’d like to see my parents and other family members as well, I’ve most been looking forward to seeing my dear, old companion again, my partner in crime. Although we do keep in close contact over instant messaging, it still feels great to be on the verge of seeing him face to face again. I did tell him that I would have homework (more accurately, long-term projects) that I have to work on over break, and if fall break taught me anything, it’s that unlimited amounts of free time can be a very tempting obstacle. I’m sure my parents won’t mind, after all, being a college student means picking and choosing your obligations. Yesterday, I said goodbye to a friend who was leaving on her trip back to California. Unexpectedly, afterwards, during class, my vision became blurred and colored with a patch of translucent green covering a third of my field of view. Later on, upstairs at the library, I was afflicted by a terrible headache that caused me to kneel down to the floor and rest my head on my winter jacket. I thought it was a migraine, but it was just a persisting headache. A trip to University Health Services took care of that. What worries me is what someone told me afterwards about headaches being caused by stress; in this case, regarding the friend who’s leaving, stress I knowingly caused. I just keep imagining how much more difficult it will be to control my emotions, and myself when it comes to unexpected moments like yesterday. I actually felt like I was about die during those horrendous headaches. My mom has headaches all the time by the numerous problems she has to put up with, and I can only hope that I won’t have the same problem later on. As always, I guess we’ll have to see, but not any time soon, I'm afraid.

NW? - Fixing the Flat                                  NW? - Pessimism and...

Now What? - This Room Keeps Getting Bigger

October 4, 2011...
I am alone again, naturally. My roommate is gone, and now I have a whole room to myself. I didn’t want my roommate to leave, but I knew why he had to. He’s been having a lot of medical issues recently and spent most of his time sleeping at home instead of sleeping in his room. Plus, he’s saving a lot of money by leaving, and he’s not the biggest fan of the meals offered by the university. As a self-proclaimed food lover who can point out the best meal in every restaurant, he has lots of reason to back up his argument. Because of his calm and free-flowing nature, he was the perfect contrast to my studious and agitated nature, and he was the first person I felt comfortable with in talking about anything. He’ll still go here, but I will miss him. Ever since my Spanish teacher told me to relax, I’ve had a chance to find some necessary breathing space every so often just to think about life or to hang out with friends. Yesterday and for some of today, I’ve used that time to feel increasingly homesick. It never occurred to me of the amount of people I had left behind or about how much everyone mattered to me until, well, as I type this. Because of the amount of work I’ve had this month, I can understand why I haven’t had enough time to reflect, but now that I do, it’s painful. Back in Cali, when I could’ve talked with anyone over Facebook over the summer, for some reason, I could never develop enough courage to try. My theory is that I became claustrophobic over the amount of faces I’d see at one time, but again, just a theory. Suddenly, being 2000 miles away from everyone has given me some amount of courage that I might try to talk to someone next Saturday night. Things might change, but one thing’s for sure, there’s no way in hell I’m studying for anything on a Saturday night. In Philosophy, someone brought an interesting point regarding the Apology by Plato. The Apology is about Socrates’ trial in Athens, where he tries to persuade the 500 jurors to realize the charges against him are unjust. Someone asked if Socrates discredits himself as an accomplished orator, does that make him an accomplished orator? I’ve asked myself that question many times before, and even though it sounds like a broken record, any amount of success I’ve ever had I constantly question. Why me, of all people, go to a university as prestigious as this one? Why does everyone relate with, and enjoy my stories when sometimes, I wish I never created them? Why do I have as many friends as I do? What do I have to contribute to society? Do I have to contribute anything? By the end of my college years, I might be able to stop questioning myself as much, but as it stands, it’s still a relevant issue. Occasionally, I feel like I’m having an identity crisis with myself where at one point, everything is normal but sometimes, I seem to escape from my body and possess someone else's, out of curiosity, never for nefarious purposes, and wonder what the other person may be thinking, if anything. Since the question, “Do I matter?” may be one repeated often in Philosophy, it does seem to be the right time to finally answer, but when I do, will it be a truthful answer or a reassuring lie? Only time will tell.

NW? - I Shouldnt've...                                        NW? - A Death in...