November 22, 2011...
In a few days, I will return to my native homeland: Inglewood, California, where I will frolic and dance with the inhabitants until the chocolate bunnies rise from the ground, only to realize they’re a few months earlier till Easter, and disappear without a trace. In reality, Wednesday will be a day of regaining the enthusiasm and imagination from the days of old, before every comment about seeing raining gumdrops would lead to a drug intake accusation. I haven’t seen my brother in almost three months, and as much as I’d like to see my parents and other family members as well, I’ve most been looking forward to seeing my dear, old companion again, my partner in crime. Although we do keep in close contact over instant messaging, it still feels great to be on the verge of seeing him face to face again. I did tell him that I would have homework (more accurately, long-term projects) that I have to work on over break, and if fall break taught me anything, it’s that unlimited amounts of free time can be a very tempting obstacle. I’m sure my parents won’t mind, after all, being a college student means picking and choosing your obligations. Yesterday, I said goodbye to a friend who was leaving on her trip back to California. Unexpectedly, afterwards, during class, my vision became blurred and colored with a patch of translucent green covering a third of my field of view. Later on, upstairs at the library, I was afflicted by a terrible headache that caused me to kneel down to the floor and rest my head on my winter jacket. I thought it was a migraine, but it was just a persisting headache. A trip to University Health Services took care of that. What worries me is what someone told me afterwards about headaches being caused by stress; in this case, regarding the friend who’s leaving, stress I knowingly caused. I just keep imagining how much more difficult it will be to control my emotions, and myself when it comes to unexpected moments like yesterday. I actually felt like I was about die during those horrendous headaches. My mom has headaches all the time by the numerous problems she has to put up with, and I can only hope that I won’t have the same problem later on. As always, I guess we’ll have to see, but not any time soon, I'm afraid.
NW? - Fixing the Flat NW? - Pessimism and...
Showing posts with label ?. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ?. Show all posts
Friday, March 30, 2012
Friday, March 23, 2012
Now What? - Fixing the Flat
November 8, 2011...
Nothing serious to report this week, or from last week, for that matter. I had some schoolwork to do and I did it. Most of it, at least, there’s a pressing Art History paper due next week that I have yet to start on, but that’ll change tomorrow. All goes well, I might get to stay in the museum on Friday to research further. That’s not to say that everything was fine last week. As the first week of November, it became my first test of endurance and ability, if I was truly capable of starting an assignment and finishing it within a week or two weeks, instead of having another all-nighter. It may be a college tradition to pull off the all-nighters, and drink obscene amounts of caffeine to do it, but I’m simply not capable doing that since I usually pass out on cue at 10 or 11pm. Also, realizing the all-nighter is the only thing holding my grades from improving is another incentive to get procrastination out of my system. I read once that it takes 21 days to fully break a habit. Seems as though I’ve got some work to do. Saturday was a depressing day, and it was all my fault, of course. I invited someone who I was interested in to help me study for an Art History exam, and when she arrived and realized I didn’t have any actual questions about the exam, she got understandably upset. Of course, it took two days to rationalize her reaction as anything other than bitter hatred. I can safely say that the hours following the awkward meeting were various. I felt like a pregnant woman whose emotions kept switching unexpectedly: first from sadness to anger to understanding to humorous to bitter to vengeful to spiteful to rational and so on and so forth. I saw her yesterday and when she decided to talk to me, despite running a few minutes late to class, I knew I had overthought the whole situation. A huge lesson was learned this week, one that, since rejection is as natural a part of life as hunting, will help me improve my understanding of others. Maybe.
November 15, 2011...
Thanksgiving is a wonderful time of the year. It’s one of the few holidays that most schools accept as a day worthy enough to have classes closed for. It works out well for the working student as he can forget about his failed Chemistry quiz for one second, and think about what actually matters: family, and being the one who breaks off more of the wishbone. After this especially difficult semester, it’ll be wonderful coming back to LA for a few days. I’m kind of disappointed, however, that I will be bringing work back with me so that I can stay ahead of the curve. But on the first day, Wednesday, college and responsibility will not exist, and for good reason. It’ll be wonderful seeing my family again. Until it happens, I can only speculate on the amount of wonder those four days may or may not have. I’ve found it unusual that on the first day I saw snow falling from the sky, and landing on the ground, I was probably the most wide-eyed, child-like student that night. I have seen snow before but never from the beginning of the snowfall. It was a beautiful sight. And then there’s school, which will continue to be a part of my life for a few more days, but boy, are those days packed! SAGES final draft, math exam, Art History paper, Philosophy realization. It seems to me that school wants to make Thanksgiving break a well deserved 4 days of rest, but I’m probably not the only one who’s made that connection. Either way, it’s gonna be a difficult battle, but with Thanksgiving break this close to happening, we’re going to see if it’ll be a triumphant march back home.
NW? - A Death in... NW? - Departure
Nothing serious to report this week, or from last week, for that matter. I had some schoolwork to do and I did it. Most of it, at least, there’s a pressing Art History paper due next week that I have yet to start on, but that’ll change tomorrow. All goes well, I might get to stay in the museum on Friday to research further. That’s not to say that everything was fine last week. As the first week of November, it became my first test of endurance and ability, if I was truly capable of starting an assignment and finishing it within a week or two weeks, instead of having another all-nighter. It may be a college tradition to pull off the all-nighters, and drink obscene amounts of caffeine to do it, but I’m simply not capable doing that since I usually pass out on cue at 10 or 11pm. Also, realizing the all-nighter is the only thing holding my grades from improving is another incentive to get procrastination out of my system. I read once that it takes 21 days to fully break a habit. Seems as though I’ve got some work to do. Saturday was a depressing day, and it was all my fault, of course. I invited someone who I was interested in to help me study for an Art History exam, and when she arrived and realized I didn’t have any actual questions about the exam, she got understandably upset. Of course, it took two days to rationalize her reaction as anything other than bitter hatred. I can safely say that the hours following the awkward meeting were various. I felt like a pregnant woman whose emotions kept switching unexpectedly: first from sadness to anger to understanding to humorous to bitter to vengeful to spiteful to rational and so on and so forth. I saw her yesterday and when she decided to talk to me, despite running a few minutes late to class, I knew I had overthought the whole situation. A huge lesson was learned this week, one that, since rejection is as natural a part of life as hunting, will help me improve my understanding of others. Maybe.
November 15, 2011...
Thanksgiving is a wonderful time of the year. It’s one of the few holidays that most schools accept as a day worthy enough to have classes closed for. It works out well for the working student as he can forget about his failed Chemistry quiz for one second, and think about what actually matters: family, and being the one who breaks off more of the wishbone. After this especially difficult semester, it’ll be wonderful coming back to LA for a few days. I’m kind of disappointed, however, that I will be bringing work back with me so that I can stay ahead of the curve. But on the first day, Wednesday, college and responsibility will not exist, and for good reason. It’ll be wonderful seeing my family again. Until it happens, I can only speculate on the amount of wonder those four days may or may not have. I’ve found it unusual that on the first day I saw snow falling from the sky, and landing on the ground, I was probably the most wide-eyed, child-like student that night. I have seen snow before but never from the beginning of the snowfall. It was a beautiful sight. And then there’s school, which will continue to be a part of my life for a few more days, but boy, are those days packed! SAGES final draft, math exam, Art History paper, Philosophy realization. It seems to me that school wants to make Thanksgiving break a well deserved 4 days of rest, but I’m probably not the only one who’s made that connection. Either way, it’s gonna be a difficult battle, but with Thanksgiving break this close to happening, we’re going to see if it’ll be a triumphant march back home.
NW? - A Death in... NW? - Departure
Friday, March 16, 2012
Now What? - A Death in the Family
October 11, 1011...
I’m afraid to type about anything this week since it’s mostly very personal. Also, I have a crapload of work due next week, but that’s probably everyone’s situation. My brother hastily admitted that things have taken a turn for the worst since I left, and although it’s an expected reaction, it doesn’t make me any less guilty for “causing” it. My brother is only 13 years old, and only begun to realize how many challenges life will give him, and while I can advise him on most things, saying goodbye to your big brother is something he and I guess, all of my family, will have to learn to deal with, eventually. And to think the only problem I thought I had this week involved telling someone my religious affiliation (that doesn’t exist…yet.) As a creative thinker, an occasional thought can be something I love to dwell in for hours at a time, but sometimes, I suddenly get shoved right into a really uncomfortable thought that takes much effort and/or time to escape from. This week’s really terrible thought stems from the ongoing feeling I’ve had for this friend of mine. I never would’ve assumed anything about her, as to the possibility of a relationship and would’ve just waited to see what happen, but that’s never the way it works for me. The minute a conversation ends, my mind races with the numerous amounts of possibilities that this may lead to. I don’t know why that always happens, but I just can’t help it. It’s an internalized bad habit, and that much more difficult to break. In other news, I have a job. It’s not a very intense job, so…yeah, progress all around. Truthfully, I have nothing else to say about this week; in fact talking about anything just stresses me out further as I have to analyze on the many mistakes I keep making, and I’d prefer to just sleep on it right now. Sorry, bit of a cop out, but I couldn’t give any less of a damn right now.
October 25, 2011...
The wheel of life continues to spin on a flat. Since last week, and although I’ve had the support of my friends and loved ones, I’m still in a state of shock. The whole matter seems to be very simple and almost painfully complicated all at once. People keep asking me how I feel, and I can’t answer properly. How am I supposed to feel? Should be I grieving immensely, faking happiness to fill the hole, crying uncontrollably, or damning cars forever for being people killers? In a specific sense, I feel absolutely nothing at all, but much like there was no time in the beginning of the universe, at this moment, I might be experiencing every possible emotion but choose not to decipher any of them. To assign a feeling to my current state of mind feels cheap and artificial, just posting another symptom on the goddamn bulletin board, and since there’s no pin, it’ll stick right off. It’s been more difficult than on Saturday, when I went shopping for the first time (don’t judge me, at least I did it), it was the first time I realized how distant we truly were: the distance of myself at the ancient, filthy bus station and her body back in El Salvador. The distance of her and I: infinite. Life does go on, and much like Spielberg bringing Seinfeld tapes with him on the set of Schindler’s List, I will do the same by listing off my favorite Seinfeld episodes on my blog, an unoriginal idea but…fff!! Also, my feelings towards a certain someone grew unexpectedly. As I’ve mentioned, life can be pretty complicated about things like that.
November 1, 2011...
This is it! November will be my month of triumph. No longer will I hinder my own progress on long-term projects by watching comedies until 1 in the morning. No longer will I stare at a blank page for hours with all of my books and resources carelessly spilled out onto the tables. No longer will I grovel about how much of a failure I am. No, enough is enough! I will be a college student! Wait, hold on… How many papers have I written in two months? 5, technically, and have I enjoyed writing those papers? Well, yes, since I chose the subject for each. As it turns out, I’m already a college student and have been one since August 24. There might be one overarching problem that continues to be a problem, but in all other regards, life as a college student has been wonderful. By joining a fraternity, I’m learning about how to be a responsible person in an irresponsible world, whatever that means. I set my own schedule, do my own laundry, and so on, and so forth. I finally have two jobs and making enough to live by, and overall, I’m amazed at the amount of friends I’ve made in the first 2 months after fearing I would only make a couple. Of course, seeing if those friendships will remain by the end of the year is another story. No one ever considers that unless they have a personal relationship with their friends; usually, we stroll across the days thinking it’ll be the same for the rest of our college experience, unaware of the possibility of change. Whether or not that possibility makes us happy or not is another question to ask on another day. Either way, it’s going pretty well so far, and aside from the warmth that grows in our dorm, I’ve got no complaints…yet.
Editor's note: October 18th's entry was The Twentisecond One, with a few edits before posting.
NW? - This Room... NW? - Fixing the Flat
I’m afraid to type about anything this week since it’s mostly very personal. Also, I have a crapload of work due next week, but that’s probably everyone’s situation. My brother hastily admitted that things have taken a turn for the worst since I left, and although it’s an expected reaction, it doesn’t make me any less guilty for “causing” it. My brother is only 13 years old, and only begun to realize how many challenges life will give him, and while I can advise him on most things, saying goodbye to your big brother is something he and I guess, all of my family, will have to learn to deal with, eventually. And to think the only problem I thought I had this week involved telling someone my religious affiliation (that doesn’t exist…yet.) As a creative thinker, an occasional thought can be something I love to dwell in for hours at a time, but sometimes, I suddenly get shoved right into a really uncomfortable thought that takes much effort and/or time to escape from. This week’s really terrible thought stems from the ongoing feeling I’ve had for this friend of mine. I never would’ve assumed anything about her, as to the possibility of a relationship and would’ve just waited to see what happen, but that’s never the way it works for me. The minute a conversation ends, my mind races with the numerous amounts of possibilities that this may lead to. I don’t know why that always happens, but I just can’t help it. It’s an internalized bad habit, and that much more difficult to break. In other news, I have a job. It’s not a very intense job, so…yeah, progress all around. Truthfully, I have nothing else to say about this week; in fact talking about anything just stresses me out further as I have to analyze on the many mistakes I keep making, and I’d prefer to just sleep on it right now. Sorry, bit of a cop out, but I couldn’t give any less of a damn right now.
October 25, 2011...
The wheel of life continues to spin on a flat. Since last week, and although I’ve had the support of my friends and loved ones, I’m still in a state of shock. The whole matter seems to be very simple and almost painfully complicated all at once. People keep asking me how I feel, and I can’t answer properly. How am I supposed to feel? Should be I grieving immensely, faking happiness to fill the hole, crying uncontrollably, or damning cars forever for being people killers? In a specific sense, I feel absolutely nothing at all, but much like there was no time in the beginning of the universe, at this moment, I might be experiencing every possible emotion but choose not to decipher any of them. To assign a feeling to my current state of mind feels cheap and artificial, just posting another symptom on the goddamn bulletin board, and since there’s no pin, it’ll stick right off. It’s been more difficult than on Saturday, when I went shopping for the first time (don’t judge me, at least I did it), it was the first time I realized how distant we truly were: the distance of myself at the ancient, filthy bus station and her body back in El Salvador. The distance of her and I: infinite. Life does go on, and much like Spielberg bringing Seinfeld tapes with him on the set of Schindler’s List, I will do the same by listing off my favorite Seinfeld episodes on my blog, an unoriginal idea but…fff!! Also, my feelings towards a certain someone grew unexpectedly. As I’ve mentioned, life can be pretty complicated about things like that.
November 1, 2011...
This is it! November will be my month of triumph. No longer will I hinder my own progress on long-term projects by watching comedies until 1 in the morning. No longer will I stare at a blank page for hours with all of my books and resources carelessly spilled out onto the tables. No longer will I grovel about how much of a failure I am. No, enough is enough! I will be a college student! Wait, hold on… How many papers have I written in two months? 5, technically, and have I enjoyed writing those papers? Well, yes, since I chose the subject for each. As it turns out, I’m already a college student and have been one since August 24. There might be one overarching problem that continues to be a problem, but in all other regards, life as a college student has been wonderful. By joining a fraternity, I’m learning about how to be a responsible person in an irresponsible world, whatever that means. I set my own schedule, do my own laundry, and so on, and so forth. I finally have two jobs and making enough to live by, and overall, I’m amazed at the amount of friends I’ve made in the first 2 months after fearing I would only make a couple. Of course, seeing if those friendships will remain by the end of the year is another story. No one ever considers that unless they have a personal relationship with their friends; usually, we stroll across the days thinking it’ll be the same for the rest of our college experience, unaware of the possibility of change. Whether or not that possibility makes us happy or not is another question to ask on another day. Either way, it’s going pretty well so far, and aside from the warmth that grows in our dorm, I’ve got no complaints…yet.
Editor's note: October 18th's entry was The Twentisecond One, with a few edits before posting.
NW? - This Room... NW? - Fixing the Flat
Friday, March 9, 2012
Now What? - This Room Keeps Getting Bigger
October 4, 2011...
I am alone again, naturally. My roommate is gone, and now I have a whole room to myself. I didn’t want my roommate to leave, but I knew why he had to. He’s been having a lot of medical issues recently and spent most of his time sleeping at home instead of sleeping in his room. Plus, he’s saving a lot of money by leaving, and he’s not the biggest fan of the meals offered by the university. As a self-proclaimed food lover who can point out the best meal in every restaurant, he has lots of reason to back up his argument. Because of his calm and free-flowing nature, he was the perfect contrast to my studious and agitated nature, and he was the first person I felt comfortable with in talking about anything. He’ll still go here, but I will miss him. Ever since my Spanish teacher told me to relax, I’ve had a chance to find some necessary breathing space every so often just to think about life or to hang out with friends. Yesterday and for some of today, I’ve used that time to feel increasingly homesick. It never occurred to me of the amount of people I had left behind or about how much everyone mattered to me until, well, as I type this. Because of the amount of work I’ve had this month, I can understand why I haven’t had enough time to reflect, but now that I do, it’s painful. Back in Cali, when I could’ve talked with anyone over Facebook over the summer, for some reason, I could never develop enough courage to try. My theory is that I became claustrophobic over the amount of faces I’d see at one time, but again, just a theory. Suddenly, being 2000 miles away from everyone has given me some amount of courage that I might try to talk to someone next Saturday night. Things might change, but one thing’s for sure, there’s no way in hell I’m studying for anything on a Saturday night. In Philosophy, someone brought an interesting point regarding the Apology by Plato. The Apology is about Socrates’ trial in Athens, where he tries to persuade the 500 jurors to realize the charges against him are unjust. Someone asked if Socrates discredits himself as an accomplished orator, does that make him an accomplished orator? I’ve asked myself that question many times before, and even though it sounds like a broken record, any amount of success I’ve ever had I constantly question. Why me, of all people, go to a university as prestigious as this one? Why does everyone relate with, and enjoy my stories when sometimes, I wish I never created them? Why do I have as many friends as I do? What do I have to contribute to society? Do I have to contribute anything? By the end of my college years, I might be able to stop questioning myself as much, but as it stands, it’s still a relevant issue. Occasionally, I feel like I’m having an identity crisis with myself where at one point, everything is normal but sometimes, I seem to escape from my body and possess someone else's, out of curiosity, never for nefarious purposes, and wonder what the other person may be thinking, if anything. Since the question, “Do I matter?” may be one repeated often in Philosophy, it does seem to be the right time to finally answer, but when I do, will it be a truthful answer or a reassuring lie? Only time will tell.
NW? - I Shouldnt've... NW? - A Death in...
I am alone again, naturally. My roommate is gone, and now I have a whole room to myself. I didn’t want my roommate to leave, but I knew why he had to. He’s been having a lot of medical issues recently and spent most of his time sleeping at home instead of sleeping in his room. Plus, he’s saving a lot of money by leaving, and he’s not the biggest fan of the meals offered by the university. As a self-proclaimed food lover who can point out the best meal in every restaurant, he has lots of reason to back up his argument. Because of his calm and free-flowing nature, he was the perfect contrast to my studious and agitated nature, and he was the first person I felt comfortable with in talking about anything. He’ll still go here, but I will miss him. Ever since my Spanish teacher told me to relax, I’ve had a chance to find some necessary breathing space every so often just to think about life or to hang out with friends. Yesterday and for some of today, I’ve used that time to feel increasingly homesick. It never occurred to me of the amount of people I had left behind or about how much everyone mattered to me until, well, as I type this. Because of the amount of work I’ve had this month, I can understand why I haven’t had enough time to reflect, but now that I do, it’s painful. Back in Cali, when I could’ve talked with anyone over Facebook over the summer, for some reason, I could never develop enough courage to try. My theory is that I became claustrophobic over the amount of faces I’d see at one time, but again, just a theory. Suddenly, being 2000 miles away from everyone has given me some amount of courage that I might try to talk to someone next Saturday night. Things might change, but one thing’s for sure, there’s no way in hell I’m studying for anything on a Saturday night. In Philosophy, someone brought an interesting point regarding the Apology by Plato. The Apology is about Socrates’ trial in Athens, where he tries to persuade the 500 jurors to realize the charges against him are unjust. Someone asked if Socrates discredits himself as an accomplished orator, does that make him an accomplished orator? I’ve asked myself that question many times before, and even though it sounds like a broken record, any amount of success I’ve ever had I constantly question. Why me, of all people, go to a university as prestigious as this one? Why does everyone relate with, and enjoy my stories when sometimes, I wish I never created them? Why do I have as many friends as I do? What do I have to contribute to society? Do I have to contribute anything? By the end of my college years, I might be able to stop questioning myself as much, but as it stands, it’s still a relevant issue. Occasionally, I feel like I’m having an identity crisis with myself where at one point, everything is normal but sometimes, I seem to escape from my body and possess someone else's, out of curiosity, never for nefarious purposes, and wonder what the other person may be thinking, if anything. Since the question, “Do I matter?” may be one repeated often in Philosophy, it does seem to be the right time to finally answer, but when I do, will it be a truthful answer or a reassuring lie? Only time will tell.
NW? - I Shouldnt've... NW? - A Death in...
Friday, March 2, 2012
Now What? - I Shouldnt've (Insert Stupidity Here)
September 27, 2011...
I’m screwed. Theoretically, I am. After taking two hours off work(I mean, school) to plot out every single assignment I will turn in the next few months, I can conclude that I am totally screwed. Like a nut and a bolt. Boy, those $19,000 in tuition suddenly seems less valuable right now. I would pay a million to turn in each assignment but with no pesky due dates. Work at my own pace, you know. Great idea, right? Absolutely not. That could be the single worst idea I’ve theoretically come upon. 100 years to turn in something I could’ve done in 2 months? No, that’s just continual torture and how fitting would it be to eventually succumb to procrastination as both a bad habit and a cause of death. I will thank college right now, because I know I will be cursing it continuously, for giving me the privilege to complete so...much...work. Now, my brain is thinking consistently on getting the work completed, trying to make space for fun, and other things I could do with my time like...sleeping. Thank you college for allowing me to think for myself and realize the only cushion for a bad situation is my own body. Now if I can just be just as assertive towards laundry... In a few days, I have to turn a Spanish paper that I should’ve started on weeks ago. Nowadays, I’ve found the phrase “I should’ve (blank)” to be an excruciating reminder of my constant mistakes, whether large or small. Examples: accidentally spilled a sand structure as I left a teacher’s office (I should’ve been more careful), going outside of my dorm to find a pleasant place to study with one unfortunate detail forgotten regarding temperature(I should’ve brought my sweater), or just missing a frisbee(I should’ve stopped watching that bee). To be fair, these constant reminders do help, but in a nagging way. For all three examples, of course doing the right would’ve been better than the obviously wrong, but even for small incidents, repeating it to myself distracts and frustrates me constantly, enough that it might derail my progress and make me regret another thing (I should’ve told myself to shut up.) A small problem, but one I will have to deal with since it’s college (I should’ve drank from the cup I ordered instead of the red one.) No progress yet on the project for IgniteTV yet. I have to send a copy of it to everyone so that we can talk about on Wednesday’s meeting. Even for its simplicity, it’s a very ambitious project that may or may not interest the board(or IgniteTV members). I got to talk to my best friend from my old neighborhood. It might’ve been just a few texts back and forth but I was glad to hear from him again since we couldn’t hang out for one last time in the summer. He’s a good guy, probably the best guy I’ve ever known, a little eccentric here and there, but that’s why I love him. I really hope he’s doing well. It’s his senior year. I hope to be able to attend his graduation. I hope he gets to graduation. Yeah. I hope all of my friends get to take those immortal steps up the stands and reach out for a document that decreases in wealth but exponentially increases in value. A moment of absolute triumph that can only be captured once. No offense to the college graduation but that event is just a more exaggerated celebration with more people, more everything, really. The high school graduation is a truly intimate moment of victory. Will I ever reach my college graduation? As I’ve promised before, we’ll just have to see.
NW? - Phonograph NW? - This Room...
I’m screwed. Theoretically, I am. After taking two hours off work(I mean, school) to plot out every single assignment I will turn in the next few months, I can conclude that I am totally screwed. Like a nut and a bolt. Boy, those $19,000 in tuition suddenly seems less valuable right now. I would pay a million to turn in each assignment but with no pesky due dates. Work at my own pace, you know. Great idea, right? Absolutely not. That could be the single worst idea I’ve theoretically come upon. 100 years to turn in something I could’ve done in 2 months? No, that’s just continual torture and how fitting would it be to eventually succumb to procrastination as both a bad habit and a cause of death. I will thank college right now, because I know I will be cursing it continuously, for giving me the privilege to complete so...much...work. Now, my brain is thinking consistently on getting the work completed, trying to make space for fun, and other things I could do with my time like...sleeping. Thank you college for allowing me to think for myself and realize the only cushion for a bad situation is my own body. Now if I can just be just as assertive towards laundry... In a few days, I have to turn a Spanish paper that I should’ve started on weeks ago. Nowadays, I’ve found the phrase “I should’ve (blank)” to be an excruciating reminder of my constant mistakes, whether large or small. Examples: accidentally spilled a sand structure as I left a teacher’s office (I should’ve been more careful), going outside of my dorm to find a pleasant place to study with one unfortunate detail forgotten regarding temperature(I should’ve brought my sweater), or just missing a frisbee(I should’ve stopped watching that bee). To be fair, these constant reminders do help, but in a nagging way. For all three examples, of course doing the right would’ve been better than the obviously wrong, but even for small incidents, repeating it to myself distracts and frustrates me constantly, enough that it might derail my progress and make me regret another thing (I should’ve told myself to shut up.) A small problem, but one I will have to deal with since it’s college (I should’ve drank from the cup I ordered instead of the red one.) No progress yet on the project for IgniteTV yet. I have to send a copy of it to everyone so that we can talk about on Wednesday’s meeting. Even for its simplicity, it’s a very ambitious project that may or may not interest the board(or IgniteTV members). I got to talk to my best friend from my old neighborhood. It might’ve been just a few texts back and forth but I was glad to hear from him again since we couldn’t hang out for one last time in the summer. He’s a good guy, probably the best guy I’ve ever known, a little eccentric here and there, but that’s why I love him. I really hope he’s doing well. It’s his senior year. I hope to be able to attend his graduation. I hope he gets to graduation. Yeah. I hope all of my friends get to take those immortal steps up the stands and reach out for a document that decreases in wealth but exponentially increases in value. A moment of absolute triumph that can only be captured once. No offense to the college graduation but that event is just a more exaggerated celebration with more people, more everything, really. The high school graduation is a truly intimate moment of victory. Will I ever reach my college graduation? As I’ve promised before, we’ll just have to see.
NW? - Phonograph NW? - This Room...
Friday, February 24, 2012
Now What? - The Phonograph-I mean, Record Player
September 20, 2011...
Another week, another couple of pounds of brain fat at lost to thought. Whatever…that could mean. Things have gone well, but not swimmingly well yet. I have been working on my art history paper, due next Wednesday, my Spanish paper, due the following Wednesday, my Philosophy realization (which I’ll explain soon-Ed. note, I forgot to do that), and my presentation for SAGES, as well as my normal rations of homework. And that’s only till the end of the month! I knew the work was going to pile up, but I didn’t expect it this soon. If I just take it slow and steady, I might just be able to survive September with enough ligaments in my fingers for typing a seven-page paper. It has been an unexpectedly defining week, however. I’ve become closer with my roommate, my friend who lives across the hall, and with my own family. Something I’m especially beginning to miss is the appetizer sandwiches my mom occasionally made right before dinner. Standard ingredients: white (or wheat) bread slathered with mayo and mustard, ham, lettuce, tomatoes, mozzarella cheese, and slightly toasted for a satisfying crunching sound. Simple, yet perfect. I am reminded of how often my family embarrassed me, and how I’d wish their personalities were tweaked a little bit, but I’m realizing that their personalities define them for they are and I’ll won't dare to change that. I had dinner with my roommate’s family on Saturday, that was lovely(aside from the fact that I hadn’t left my dorm all day) since I had a delicious dinner, a very invigorating conversation, and got to see the most astounding record collection. I also saw my first record player, and got to listen to my first record: Wish You Were Here by Pink Floyd. The first chords silently slipped through the speakers, a warm orange glow surrounded the walls, and my roommate’s father’s tales of musical ecstasy enchanted me. It was the perfect evening until my roommate took me to the Ingeniutyfest. It wasn’t a terrible event, but it was terribly overwhelming, with the numerous colorful works that attacked your senses, the amount of people who were there, the amount of people as high as paint chipping, and the amount of products being sold. I did like a huge wall that you could draw on, a dazzling performance by a woman with flexibility and large amounts of drapery, and an artist’s photoshops of numerous landmarks. It’s a night I won’t soon forget (for the wrong reasons). This weekend also featured my first chance to work directly with one of the guys of IgniteTV. We talked about his career and how it boils down to many avant-garde projects made only for his amusement, and our first conversation about potentially working on one of my projects. He told me that I’d have to wait till Wednesday to pitch my idea and see if it gets approved, which is discouraging, encouraging, and nerve wrecking. If all goes well, I’ll be able to direct my first short film which is a lifelong dream of mine. As always, we’ll just have to see what happens.
NW? - Progress NW?- I Shouldnt've...
Another week, another couple of pounds of brain fat at lost to thought. Whatever…that could mean. Things have gone well, but not swimmingly well yet. I have been working on my art history paper, due next Wednesday, my Spanish paper, due the following Wednesday, my Philosophy realization (which I’ll explain soon-Ed. note, I forgot to do that), and my presentation for SAGES, as well as my normal rations of homework. And that’s only till the end of the month! I knew the work was going to pile up, but I didn’t expect it this soon. If I just take it slow and steady, I might just be able to survive September with enough ligaments in my fingers for typing a seven-page paper. It has been an unexpectedly defining week, however. I’ve become closer with my roommate, my friend who lives across the hall, and with my own family. Something I’m especially beginning to miss is the appetizer sandwiches my mom occasionally made right before dinner. Standard ingredients: white (or wheat) bread slathered with mayo and mustard, ham, lettuce, tomatoes, mozzarella cheese, and slightly toasted for a satisfying crunching sound. Simple, yet perfect. I am reminded of how often my family embarrassed me, and how I’d wish their personalities were tweaked a little bit, but I’m realizing that their personalities define them for they are and I’ll won't dare to change that. I had dinner with my roommate’s family on Saturday, that was lovely(aside from the fact that I hadn’t left my dorm all day) since I had a delicious dinner, a very invigorating conversation, and got to see the most astounding record collection. I also saw my first record player, and got to listen to my first record: Wish You Were Here by Pink Floyd. The first chords silently slipped through the speakers, a warm orange glow surrounded the walls, and my roommate’s father’s tales of musical ecstasy enchanted me. It was the perfect evening until my roommate took me to the Ingeniutyfest. It wasn’t a terrible event, but it was terribly overwhelming, with the numerous colorful works that attacked your senses, the amount of people who were there, the amount of people as high as paint chipping, and the amount of products being sold. I did like a huge wall that you could draw on, a dazzling performance by a woman with flexibility and large amounts of drapery, and an artist’s photoshops of numerous landmarks. It’s a night I won’t soon forget (for the wrong reasons). This weekend also featured my first chance to work directly with one of the guys of IgniteTV. We talked about his career and how it boils down to many avant-garde projects made only for his amusement, and our first conversation about potentially working on one of my projects. He told me that I’d have to wait till Wednesday to pitch my idea and see if it gets approved, which is discouraging, encouraging, and nerve wrecking. If all goes well, I’ll be able to direct my first short film which is a lifelong dream of mine. As always, we’ll just have to see what happens.
NW? - Progress NW?- I Shouldnt've...
Friday, February 17, 2012
Now What? - Progress...10%
September 13, 2011...
Raindrops may be falling on my head, but they haven’t slowed me down yet. This week was unexpectedly a really productive and enjoyable one. With no scheduling complaints to fix, I went to all of my classes without trouble and have begun to appreciate the diversity and unimaginable brilliance that most of my professors contain and if that’s supposed to be a brown-nosed statement, well, let’s just say I’m knee-deep in mud right now. Philosophy is still a problematic course but I imagine that it has been for all of the class so far as we’ve been introduced to a new way of thinking about life, and suddenly been dropped into the most challenging class so far(despite it being only an introduction). This week was the first time I realized how someone’s statement about each major having its own difficulty being true. Sure, I may not be a biomedical engineer but I’m pretty certain that I will be writing many more essays than them. I’m becoming more familiar with my colleagues (remembering most of their names and faces), with my study habits(although I still need to experiment with location), and with my limitations(it’s decided: On Friday’s, I will do absolutely nothing except go to class and take a nap. It might be a high school habit that I’ll grow out of, but right now, I welcome any chance of sleeping on a surface that isn’t a desk). I’m beginning to accept the idea of not finding love so suddenly, and taking it slow like I did in high school. Occasionally, I wonder if I would be as impatient about being in a relationship if I was a woman. I’m sure I’m not the only one who has. On Friday, I was given my first assignment as the newest member of IgniteTV, to film the 911 presentation at the oval, the circular walkway near the library. Due to some technical difficulties, I couldn’t film the police officers walking around the oval, and yet, once those difficulties were taken care of, I went back and filmed as much as I could before they started cleaning up the tables and booths. Has it really been 10 years since that horrible disaster happened? I had an interview with someone, a woman who works at the Cleveland clinic, and told her about my encounter during 911, describing it as Christmas morning with a surprise waiting behind the tree. I’m not looking forward to seeing the footage, one because it’s technically an evaluation albeit a constructive one, and two because I don’t and didn’t think I would have the emotional strength to callously point a camera at somebody’s face, waiting for some kind of money-shot that would dignify my reputation as an amateur filmmaker. Although I write about emotional situations all the time and even try to find the humor in it (believe me, I’ve tried to tell one holocaust joke too many), it’s an entirely different thing when it is your own emotions you’re trying to control and when the situation is deeply tied to reality. I’m supposed to film the candlelight vigil on Sunday, but I don’t know if I can do it. I guess we’ll see.
NW? - Registering... NW? - Phonograph
Raindrops may be falling on my head, but they haven’t slowed me down yet. This week was unexpectedly a really productive and enjoyable one. With no scheduling complaints to fix, I went to all of my classes without trouble and have begun to appreciate the diversity and unimaginable brilliance that most of my professors contain and if that’s supposed to be a brown-nosed statement, well, let’s just say I’m knee-deep in mud right now. Philosophy is still a problematic course but I imagine that it has been for all of the class so far as we’ve been introduced to a new way of thinking about life, and suddenly been dropped into the most challenging class so far(despite it being only an introduction). This week was the first time I realized how someone’s statement about each major having its own difficulty being true. Sure, I may not be a biomedical engineer but I’m pretty certain that I will be writing many more essays than them. I’m becoming more familiar with my colleagues (remembering most of their names and faces), with my study habits(although I still need to experiment with location), and with my limitations(it’s decided: On Friday’s, I will do absolutely nothing except go to class and take a nap. It might be a high school habit that I’ll grow out of, but right now, I welcome any chance of sleeping on a surface that isn’t a desk). I’m beginning to accept the idea of not finding love so suddenly, and taking it slow like I did in high school. Occasionally, I wonder if I would be as impatient about being in a relationship if I was a woman. I’m sure I’m not the only one who has. On Friday, I was given my first assignment as the newest member of IgniteTV, to film the 911 presentation at the oval, the circular walkway near the library. Due to some technical difficulties, I couldn’t film the police officers walking around the oval, and yet, once those difficulties were taken care of, I went back and filmed as much as I could before they started cleaning up the tables and booths. Has it really been 10 years since that horrible disaster happened? I had an interview with someone, a woman who works at the Cleveland clinic, and told her about my encounter during 911, describing it as Christmas morning with a surprise waiting behind the tree. I’m not looking forward to seeing the footage, one because it’s technically an evaluation albeit a constructive one, and two because I don’t and didn’t think I would have the emotional strength to callously point a camera at somebody’s face, waiting for some kind of money-shot that would dignify my reputation as an amateur filmmaker. Although I write about emotional situations all the time and even try to find the humor in it (believe me, I’ve tried to tell one holocaust joke too many), it’s an entirely different thing when it is your own emotions you’re trying to control and when the situation is deeply tied to reality. I’m supposed to film the candlelight vigil on Sunday, but I don’t know if I can do it. I guess we’ll see.
NW? - Registering... NW? - Phonograph
Friday, February 10, 2012
Now What? - Registering information...
September 6, 2011...
Just as my fears of college had begun to assuage by wonderful friends and wonderful times, reality struck again. Looking at my calendar of future events, I realized that that my school days would begin to accelerate at unfathomable levels. Two projects due in two weeks, then a Spanish paper, then something else...it just keeps going! What’s highly surprising is how accurate the explanation of college was, but we didn’t want to believe it; two hours for every hour in class, what the hell could that mean? Realistically, every day in class is very doable but...the rest of it...why would they do this to us? I might be complaining but even for the upcoming workload, it isn’t impossible to finish. My first art history paper is only two pages long and double-spaced, and Math exams have always come naturally to me. So what am I worried about? Recently, I had an appointment at ESS, the education help services, about time management and it turns out I’m doing everything right...so far. I have many mistakes in my first week, which I will point out here: never listen to a comedy album while studying at the library, never take a nap at the reading room where everyone can see you, never forget to double-back all over your essential files in case a certain computer program can’t read a Pages file, and never forget to learn the schedule of every building so that you're not standing outside of the Cleveland Institute of Art on a Saturday morning in 100 degree weather like an idiot. Also, there’s girls. They’re every-where. Also boys. There are over 3,600 students here at Case. That information can make anybody claustrophobic. It hasn’t been completely terrible. After much rearranging, I’m finally in a suitable Spanish class, Intro to Spanish Literature, with a great professor and 10 other classmates. I saw Clerks this weekend, probably the most disgustingly entertaining film I’ve seen. Seeing how terrible the clerks‘ jobs were, it made the ridiculous situations they got into more bearable. I participated at the fraternity rush and unexpectedly met this amazing troupe of characters from Delta Chi. I wouldn’t be surprised if they were my friends for life. Plus, I finally got the textbooks I needed so I’ve been catching up on the reading for my first-year university seminar, very interesting material. It might be too soon to ask this question but when will I become an official college student, the person brimming with responsibility, ambition, and confidence? So far, I still feel like a high school student with all these obligations that have to taken care of. Do I become a college student when I begin to enjoy working on these projects? Well, that would make the workload more bearable. Friday was the worst day of the week. Class was fine, but it was after class where things just didn’t feel right. I ate a hearty breakfast and lunch, and then headed up to the library to read my Philosophy book. I just couldn’t do it; all of the undergoing pressures of the day just fell right upon me and boredom overtook every thought. For the first time at Case, I felt completely abandoned of mind and spirit. Thankfully, an appointment at ESS and a 1000-pc puzzle temporarily misplaced those thoughts but I don’t know what I’ll do if I experience it again. This is a four-day week so it’ll move by quickly. We’ll just have to see.
NW? - Intro NW? - Progress
Just as my fears of college had begun to assuage by wonderful friends and wonderful times, reality struck again. Looking at my calendar of future events, I realized that that my school days would begin to accelerate at unfathomable levels. Two projects due in two weeks, then a Spanish paper, then something else...it just keeps going! What’s highly surprising is how accurate the explanation of college was, but we didn’t want to believe it; two hours for every hour in class, what the hell could that mean? Realistically, every day in class is very doable but...the rest of it...why would they do this to us? I might be complaining but even for the upcoming workload, it isn’t impossible to finish. My first art history paper is only two pages long and double-spaced, and Math exams have always come naturally to me. So what am I worried about? Recently, I had an appointment at ESS, the education help services, about time management and it turns out I’m doing everything right...so far. I have many mistakes in my first week, which I will point out here: never listen to a comedy album while studying at the library, never take a nap at the reading room where everyone can see you, never forget to double-back all over your essential files in case a certain computer program can’t read a Pages file, and never forget to learn the schedule of every building so that you're not standing outside of the Cleveland Institute of Art on a Saturday morning in 100 degree weather like an idiot. Also, there’s girls. They’re every-where. Also boys. There are over 3,600 students here at Case. That information can make anybody claustrophobic. It hasn’t been completely terrible. After much rearranging, I’m finally in a suitable Spanish class, Intro to Spanish Literature, with a great professor and 10 other classmates. I saw Clerks this weekend, probably the most disgustingly entertaining film I’ve seen. Seeing how terrible the clerks‘ jobs were, it made the ridiculous situations they got into more bearable. I participated at the fraternity rush and unexpectedly met this amazing troupe of characters from Delta Chi. I wouldn’t be surprised if they were my friends for life. Plus, I finally got the textbooks I needed so I’ve been catching up on the reading for my first-year university seminar, very interesting material. It might be too soon to ask this question but when will I become an official college student, the person brimming with responsibility, ambition, and confidence? So far, I still feel like a high school student with all these obligations that have to taken care of. Do I become a college student when I begin to enjoy working on these projects? Well, that would make the workload more bearable. Friday was the worst day of the week. Class was fine, but it was after class where things just didn’t feel right. I ate a hearty breakfast and lunch, and then headed up to the library to read my Philosophy book. I just couldn’t do it; all of the undergoing pressures of the day just fell right upon me and boredom overtook every thought. For the first time at Case, I felt completely abandoned of mind and spirit. Thankfully, an appointment at ESS and a 1000-pc puzzle temporarily misplaced those thoughts but I don’t know what I’ll do if I experience it again. This is a four-day week so it’ll move by quickly. We’ll just have to see.
NW? - Intro NW? - Progress
Friday, February 3, 2012
Now What? - Introduction
August 24, 2011 was the first unofficial day of being a college student. Suddenly dropping into a place I was only partly familiar with, seeing approximately 900 new faces and speculating as to which to wave back to with my awkward, wilting shake. For a few days, we could choose to have a name tag around us, a handicap for those of us incapable of saying, "Hi, what's your name?", or not wear a name tag and say nothing, if anything. Later that night, as we amassed in groups at Case Western's football field, we learned a few things about the Class of 2015, such as how more desirable certain people were than most of us, how many people were from Ohio. Despite the exciting activities the Orientation leaders "put us through" that night, most of us were skeptical about the "college" experience, including yours truly. The next few posts, coming every Friday at 9pm, is but one person's perspective on a universal escapade that we're privileged to be a part of, but one that continuously challenges that privilege. Day 1...
August 30, 2011...
“College is going to be terrible” is a quote I continue to repeat. After seeing how much the university is offering in terms of support, such as first-year advisers and counseling, it’s baffling how in just three days, I still have little faith. It was a problem I knew I was going to be facing just as I was about to graduate from high school and it really doesn’t surprise me that the problem has popped up so suddenly. It’s only been three days and I have a tendency to be really impatient when it comes to making endurable connections with people. I think a worse fear than thinking college will be terrible is letting myself believe that. When I get into a depressing funk, only the most optimistic self-realization can pull me out of it. That or Seinfeld bloopers. Course, there’s also the fears of college being much more difficult than previous years of education, but that’s to be expected. As I’ve been working out my schedule, I can see the amount of time I could be spending studying for each class, which is a major advantage, compared to the claustrophobic hours in high school. There’s also the new responsibilities regarding money and food, things we students didn’t take very seriously before. Thankfully, the meal plan ensures a full belly without the costs. Later on, we’ll have to start thinking about going out to dinner, tickets for events, and other important utilities, but if we think about it conservatively, it won’t be a damning problem. My personal fear is laundry, the first responsible assignment I’ve been given as an adult. Unless you’ve done laundry in the past, the only thing you’re sure about is that you will have to wear that pink shirt for the rest of the semester...not that there’s anything wrong with that. Overall, I know that college will be amazing, and when my mind believes it, it will be.
August 30, 2011...
“College is going to be terrible” is a quote I continue to repeat. After seeing how much the university is offering in terms of support, such as first-year advisers and counseling, it’s baffling how in just three days, I still have little faith. It was a problem I knew I was going to be facing just as I was about to graduate from high school and it really doesn’t surprise me that the problem has popped up so suddenly. It’s only been three days and I have a tendency to be really impatient when it comes to making endurable connections with people. I think a worse fear than thinking college will be terrible is letting myself believe that. When I get into a depressing funk, only the most optimistic self-realization can pull me out of it. That or Seinfeld bloopers. Course, there’s also the fears of college being much more difficult than previous years of education, but that’s to be expected. As I’ve been working out my schedule, I can see the amount of time I could be spending studying for each class, which is a major advantage, compared to the claustrophobic hours in high school. There’s also the new responsibilities regarding money and food, things we students didn’t take very seriously before. Thankfully, the meal plan ensures a full belly without the costs. Later on, we’ll have to start thinking about going out to dinner, tickets for events, and other important utilities, but if we think about it conservatively, it won’t be a damning problem. My personal fear is laundry, the first responsible assignment I’ve been given as an adult. Unless you’ve done laundry in the past, the only thing you’re sure about is that you will have to wear that pink shirt for the rest of the semester...not that there’s anything wrong with that. Overall, I know that college will be amazing, and when my mind believes it, it will be.
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