Originally written on August 2012. Unlike previous posts, I will post my thoughts about this story in the comments on a later date.
"Hi, everyone. I'm…Arley Rodriguez.""Hi, Arlee." says everyone.
"No, it's Ar-ley, not Arlee. Actually, it, it doesn't really matter."
This is his first meeting.
"I, um, have an anger problem, but, you, uh," says Arley while scratching his nose, "probably already knew that. I'm sorry, I tend to say really stupid things when I'm…"
Group 5 is made up of 12 heads, each of them as insecure as the next. 4 brown eyes, 7 blues, 1 with an eye tattoo. The 13th head is the leader of the group, Earl Morris, who liked to call himself "the leader". Earl places his comfortable "leader's" chair near the exit in case a session ended prematurely. The quaint classroom setting couldn't disguise the ravaging fury buried in the bellies of Group 5.
"…nervous. Um, I'm fairly young, 23 or so, and I'm still not completely satisfied with life. I…usually take it out on others when a day doesn't go as planned. No one really understands the day system and…shit, let me start over."
Group 5 has many eccentric people. One of them is a pyromaniac, targets objects that remind him of his long, dead puppy. One of them purposefully gets into bar fights to get a larger wound than the night before. One of them decided to exile themselves from society for two weeks after destroying a Girl Scout cookies booth.
"Okay, the day thing is one of the problems but there's many, many others."
"Um, Arley," says the leader, "I don't mean to interrupt but we haven't gotten all the way across the room yet and a few people still need their turn."
"Oh, right, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Tha, that's it." said Arley, slumping back into the rental chair.
The remainder of Group 5 got to share the rest of their stories, each of them ranging from immature to borderline nuts. Of course, Arley usually believes he's immature and insane, so to him, the stories weren't very thrilling. Focused on how much his life currently is, he can only feel condescendingly sorry for the others.
"Thanks to everyone who shared their stories-"
"Especially that fuckface, Arley," Arley whispers to himself.
"-I can only imagine how many unresolved issues you all seem to have and I can only hope that we will be able to resolve each of them in the next few months. Acknowledging that you have an anger problem and are willing to come here is the first step to recovery. Each of you have the capabilities to empower yourself to a happier life." says the leader, the man hired by the government to prevent these people from killing each other.
"Oh, god," mutters Arley as he covers his face with his right hand.
"First, we'll start with an exercise. Everybody, please join hands."
The group disjointedly straightens up, spines curving around on the seat backs. They look to the left and right and grab each other's hands.
"Good, good, that can be very difficult for some people."
Arley sits up, holding his own hands together.
"Now close your eyes. That's it. Relax your shoulders. Let your body ease into submission. That's it. If your fingers are tingling, that's normal because it's touching someone else other than yourself."
Arley starts shutting his eyes, although he couldn't stop blinking them.
"Whatever thoughts you have in your mind right now, acknowledge them and then let them go. Clear your mind of all thoughts. Think of only a blank, empty void of nothingness that's absolutely worthless. Don't forget to breathe. Breathe. Inhale."
Every minute that passes by, Arley's head bobs like apples in a rusted bucket. He knew he wasn't capable of many things, but thinking, that's something he mastered a long time ago. Thinking about nothing makes Arley wonder what an appropriate depiction of nothing could be.
"Ralei, relax. Don't think about it too much. Relax your shoulders. Just let whatever happens to happen. Acknowledge it and then let it go."
Buzz Lightyear closes his eyes, says his famous catchphrase and rolls on the tiny car onto the loop-de-loop racetrack. Two women, terrible actresses, pretend to hurt each other in skimpy outfits; Arley makes sure to include wrestling boots because he doesn't want to see their painted toenails digging into their thighs. An airplane smashes into another airplane, twirling around in the air for a few seconds until dropping onto a commercial airliner that explodes spectacularly. An anorexic 40 year old man stares at a television set advertising a useless product, a new spray specifically designed to get rid of that pesky ozone layer.
"If this is troubling you guys, please don't make an effort out of it. The first time is always the hardest."
Seinfeld making a joke about waves acting like burly club bouncers. Ellen Page sleeping in her comfortable bed as Arley smokes on the hotel balcony at dawn. Peggy Hill using happiness to say a dirty word. Arley,18, and his little brother,13, looking at the alarm clock beeping at midnight, holding their greasy, sweaty video game controllers. A 5 year old Arley bouncing on the couch announcing that he was 5 years old.
"Okay, now let go of your partner's hands, raise your head up and open your eyes."
The group follows his orders except Arley who already has his eyes open.
"How long was that?"
"About 30 minutes, the appropriate amount of time, I think. Now does anybody want to talk about their experience?"
Most people downgrade their "experience" as a moment of peace. Some people talk about how it was the first nap they had in weeks. Others talk about how it was a brutally difficult challenge trying not to think about all of their problems. One person feels rejuvenated. Someone else thinks it was a complete waste of time. Arley isn't sure.
"This exercise was meant to be a primary evaluation of your current state of mind. For some of us, the next few weeks will be a blessing. For others, it will be a continuous hell."
The leader's mandatory speech prompts others to speak more truthfully about their moments, admitting that it wasn't as much of a waste of time as they had believed. They even look more relaxed with less wrinkles on their faces, less visible veins.
"Okay, that's all the time we have for today. We'll meet back here next week in the same room, hopefully."
Everybody stands up from their rusted chairs and walk out of the room, leaving only the leader and Arley, his legs curled up on the chair.
"Arley, I was a little disappointed that you didn't share your experience to the group. You looked very eager to talk in the beginning."
"Um, well, it wouldn't have mattered anyway since I don't really have anything important to say. Ever."
"Now that's ridiculous. Everyone has something important to say. I was wondering if you had some difficulty with our exercise."
"Yeah, I had a lot of trouble. I don't think I've ever had a peaceful moment in my life."
"Well," says the leader while touching Arley's shoulder, "there's always a chance to let a little bit of peace into your life. Listen, you have plenty of time now. Take a few minutes to think about what happened today and think about what the next step could be. It could take a long time but I'm sure you'll find it."
"Thanks. Have a good night."
Arley did spend the next few minutes usefully, walking to his apartment without a single gunshot wound, opening his apartment door without pulling his muscles, walking to his desk without tripping on his dirty clothes, searching for other anger management classes.
And with that, my 4-month break begins. But don't worry if you still want to get some kind of "blog" fix, the Tumblr blog is still avaliable for those services. And while you're at it, join the Facebook group or follow me on Twitter. My little brother Gary will take over the blog for now and he might post something zany so keep an eye out for that.
Showing posts with label confusion. Show all posts
Showing posts with label confusion. Show all posts
Saturday, January 12, 2013
Friday, March 23, 2012
Now What? - Fixing the Flat
November 8, 2011...
Nothing serious to report this week, or from last week, for that matter. I had some schoolwork to do and I did it. Most of it, at least, there’s a pressing Art History paper due next week that I have yet to start on, but that’ll change tomorrow. All goes well, I might get to stay in the museum on Friday to research further. That’s not to say that everything was fine last week. As the first week of November, it became my first test of endurance and ability, if I was truly capable of starting an assignment and finishing it within a week or two weeks, instead of having another all-nighter. It may be a college tradition to pull off the all-nighters, and drink obscene amounts of caffeine to do it, but I’m simply not capable doing that since I usually pass out on cue at 10 or 11pm. Also, realizing the all-nighter is the only thing holding my grades from improving is another incentive to get procrastination out of my system. I read once that it takes 21 days to fully break a habit. Seems as though I’ve got some work to do. Saturday was a depressing day, and it was all my fault, of course. I invited someone who I was interested in to help me study for an Art History exam, and when she arrived and realized I didn’t have any actual questions about the exam, she got understandably upset. Of course, it took two days to rationalize her reaction as anything other than bitter hatred. I can safely say that the hours following the awkward meeting were various. I felt like a pregnant woman whose emotions kept switching unexpectedly: first from sadness to anger to understanding to humorous to bitter to vengeful to spiteful to rational and so on and so forth. I saw her yesterday and when she decided to talk to me, despite running a few minutes late to class, I knew I had overthought the whole situation. A huge lesson was learned this week, one that, since rejection is as natural a part of life as hunting, will help me improve my understanding of others. Maybe.
November 15, 2011...
Thanksgiving is a wonderful time of the year. It’s one of the few holidays that most schools accept as a day worthy enough to have classes closed for. It works out well for the working student as he can forget about his failed Chemistry quiz for one second, and think about what actually matters: family, and being the one who breaks off more of the wishbone. After this especially difficult semester, it’ll be wonderful coming back to LA for a few days. I’m kind of disappointed, however, that I will be bringing work back with me so that I can stay ahead of the curve. But on the first day, Wednesday, college and responsibility will not exist, and for good reason. It’ll be wonderful seeing my family again. Until it happens, I can only speculate on the amount of wonder those four days may or may not have. I’ve found it unusual that on the first day I saw snow falling from the sky, and landing on the ground, I was probably the most wide-eyed, child-like student that night. I have seen snow before but never from the beginning of the snowfall. It was a beautiful sight. And then there’s school, which will continue to be a part of my life for a few more days, but boy, are those days packed! SAGES final draft, math exam, Art History paper, Philosophy realization. It seems to me that school wants to make Thanksgiving break a well deserved 4 days of rest, but I’m probably not the only one who’s made that connection. Either way, it’s gonna be a difficult battle, but with Thanksgiving break this close to happening, we’re going to see if it’ll be a triumphant march back home.
NW? - A Death in... NW? - Departure
Nothing serious to report this week, or from last week, for that matter. I had some schoolwork to do and I did it. Most of it, at least, there’s a pressing Art History paper due next week that I have yet to start on, but that’ll change tomorrow. All goes well, I might get to stay in the museum on Friday to research further. That’s not to say that everything was fine last week. As the first week of November, it became my first test of endurance and ability, if I was truly capable of starting an assignment and finishing it within a week or two weeks, instead of having another all-nighter. It may be a college tradition to pull off the all-nighters, and drink obscene amounts of caffeine to do it, but I’m simply not capable doing that since I usually pass out on cue at 10 or 11pm. Also, realizing the all-nighter is the only thing holding my grades from improving is another incentive to get procrastination out of my system. I read once that it takes 21 days to fully break a habit. Seems as though I’ve got some work to do. Saturday was a depressing day, and it was all my fault, of course. I invited someone who I was interested in to help me study for an Art History exam, and when she arrived and realized I didn’t have any actual questions about the exam, she got understandably upset. Of course, it took two days to rationalize her reaction as anything other than bitter hatred. I can safely say that the hours following the awkward meeting were various. I felt like a pregnant woman whose emotions kept switching unexpectedly: first from sadness to anger to understanding to humorous to bitter to vengeful to spiteful to rational and so on and so forth. I saw her yesterday and when she decided to talk to me, despite running a few minutes late to class, I knew I had overthought the whole situation. A huge lesson was learned this week, one that, since rejection is as natural a part of life as hunting, will help me improve my understanding of others. Maybe.
November 15, 2011...
Thanksgiving is a wonderful time of the year. It’s one of the few holidays that most schools accept as a day worthy enough to have classes closed for. It works out well for the working student as he can forget about his failed Chemistry quiz for one second, and think about what actually matters: family, and being the one who breaks off more of the wishbone. After this especially difficult semester, it’ll be wonderful coming back to LA for a few days. I’m kind of disappointed, however, that I will be bringing work back with me so that I can stay ahead of the curve. But on the first day, Wednesday, college and responsibility will not exist, and for good reason. It’ll be wonderful seeing my family again. Until it happens, I can only speculate on the amount of wonder those four days may or may not have. I’ve found it unusual that on the first day I saw snow falling from the sky, and landing on the ground, I was probably the most wide-eyed, child-like student that night. I have seen snow before but never from the beginning of the snowfall. It was a beautiful sight. And then there’s school, which will continue to be a part of my life for a few more days, but boy, are those days packed! SAGES final draft, math exam, Art History paper, Philosophy realization. It seems to me that school wants to make Thanksgiving break a well deserved 4 days of rest, but I’m probably not the only one who’s made that connection. Either way, it’s gonna be a difficult battle, but with Thanksgiving break this close to happening, we’re going to see if it’ll be a triumphant march back home.
NW? - A Death in... NW? - Departure
Friday, March 16, 2012
Now What? - A Death in the Family
October 11, 1011...
I’m afraid to type about anything this week since it’s mostly very personal. Also, I have a crapload of work due next week, but that’s probably everyone’s situation. My brother hastily admitted that things have taken a turn for the worst since I left, and although it’s an expected reaction, it doesn’t make me any less guilty for “causing” it. My brother is only 13 years old, and only begun to realize how many challenges life will give him, and while I can advise him on most things, saying goodbye to your big brother is something he and I guess, all of my family, will have to learn to deal with, eventually. And to think the only problem I thought I had this week involved telling someone my religious affiliation (that doesn’t exist…yet.) As a creative thinker, an occasional thought can be something I love to dwell in for hours at a time, but sometimes, I suddenly get shoved right into a really uncomfortable thought that takes much effort and/or time to escape from. This week’s really terrible thought stems from the ongoing feeling I’ve had for this friend of mine. I never would’ve assumed anything about her, as to the possibility of a relationship and would’ve just waited to see what happen, but that’s never the way it works for me. The minute a conversation ends, my mind races with the numerous amounts of possibilities that this may lead to. I don’t know why that always happens, but I just can’t help it. It’s an internalized bad habit, and that much more difficult to break. In other news, I have a job. It’s not a very intense job, so…yeah, progress all around. Truthfully, I have nothing else to say about this week; in fact talking about anything just stresses me out further as I have to analyze on the many mistakes I keep making, and I’d prefer to just sleep on it right now. Sorry, bit of a cop out, but I couldn’t give any less of a damn right now.
October 25, 2011...
The wheel of life continues to spin on a flat. Since last week, and although I’ve had the support of my friends and loved ones, I’m still in a state of shock. The whole matter seems to be very simple and almost painfully complicated all at once. People keep asking me how I feel, and I can’t answer properly. How am I supposed to feel? Should be I grieving immensely, faking happiness to fill the hole, crying uncontrollably, or damning cars forever for being people killers? In a specific sense, I feel absolutely nothing at all, but much like there was no time in the beginning of the universe, at this moment, I might be experiencing every possible emotion but choose not to decipher any of them. To assign a feeling to my current state of mind feels cheap and artificial, just posting another symptom on the goddamn bulletin board, and since there’s no pin, it’ll stick right off. It’s been more difficult than on Saturday, when I went shopping for the first time (don’t judge me, at least I did it), it was the first time I realized how distant we truly were: the distance of myself at the ancient, filthy bus station and her body back in El Salvador. The distance of her and I: infinite. Life does go on, and much like Spielberg bringing Seinfeld tapes with him on the set of Schindler’s List, I will do the same by listing off my favorite Seinfeld episodes on my blog, an unoriginal idea but…fff!! Also, my feelings towards a certain someone grew unexpectedly. As I’ve mentioned, life can be pretty complicated about things like that.
November 1, 2011...
This is it! November will be my month of triumph. No longer will I hinder my own progress on long-term projects by watching comedies until 1 in the morning. No longer will I stare at a blank page for hours with all of my books and resources carelessly spilled out onto the tables. No longer will I grovel about how much of a failure I am. No, enough is enough! I will be a college student! Wait, hold on… How many papers have I written in two months? 5, technically, and have I enjoyed writing those papers? Well, yes, since I chose the subject for each. As it turns out, I’m already a college student and have been one since August 24. There might be one overarching problem that continues to be a problem, but in all other regards, life as a college student has been wonderful. By joining a fraternity, I’m learning about how to be a responsible person in an irresponsible world, whatever that means. I set my own schedule, do my own laundry, and so on, and so forth. I finally have two jobs and making enough to live by, and overall, I’m amazed at the amount of friends I’ve made in the first 2 months after fearing I would only make a couple. Of course, seeing if those friendships will remain by the end of the year is another story. No one ever considers that unless they have a personal relationship with their friends; usually, we stroll across the days thinking it’ll be the same for the rest of our college experience, unaware of the possibility of change. Whether or not that possibility makes us happy or not is another question to ask on another day. Either way, it’s going pretty well so far, and aside from the warmth that grows in our dorm, I’ve got no complaints…yet.
Editor's note: October 18th's entry was The Twentisecond One, with a few edits before posting.
NW? - This Room... NW? - Fixing the Flat
I’m afraid to type about anything this week since it’s mostly very personal. Also, I have a crapload of work due next week, but that’s probably everyone’s situation. My brother hastily admitted that things have taken a turn for the worst since I left, and although it’s an expected reaction, it doesn’t make me any less guilty for “causing” it. My brother is only 13 years old, and only begun to realize how many challenges life will give him, and while I can advise him on most things, saying goodbye to your big brother is something he and I guess, all of my family, will have to learn to deal with, eventually. And to think the only problem I thought I had this week involved telling someone my religious affiliation (that doesn’t exist…yet.) As a creative thinker, an occasional thought can be something I love to dwell in for hours at a time, but sometimes, I suddenly get shoved right into a really uncomfortable thought that takes much effort and/or time to escape from. This week’s really terrible thought stems from the ongoing feeling I’ve had for this friend of mine. I never would’ve assumed anything about her, as to the possibility of a relationship and would’ve just waited to see what happen, but that’s never the way it works for me. The minute a conversation ends, my mind races with the numerous amounts of possibilities that this may lead to. I don’t know why that always happens, but I just can’t help it. It’s an internalized bad habit, and that much more difficult to break. In other news, I have a job. It’s not a very intense job, so…yeah, progress all around. Truthfully, I have nothing else to say about this week; in fact talking about anything just stresses me out further as I have to analyze on the many mistakes I keep making, and I’d prefer to just sleep on it right now. Sorry, bit of a cop out, but I couldn’t give any less of a damn right now.
October 25, 2011...
The wheel of life continues to spin on a flat. Since last week, and although I’ve had the support of my friends and loved ones, I’m still in a state of shock. The whole matter seems to be very simple and almost painfully complicated all at once. People keep asking me how I feel, and I can’t answer properly. How am I supposed to feel? Should be I grieving immensely, faking happiness to fill the hole, crying uncontrollably, or damning cars forever for being people killers? In a specific sense, I feel absolutely nothing at all, but much like there was no time in the beginning of the universe, at this moment, I might be experiencing every possible emotion but choose not to decipher any of them. To assign a feeling to my current state of mind feels cheap and artificial, just posting another symptom on the goddamn bulletin board, and since there’s no pin, it’ll stick right off. It’s been more difficult than on Saturday, when I went shopping for the first time (don’t judge me, at least I did it), it was the first time I realized how distant we truly were: the distance of myself at the ancient, filthy bus station and her body back in El Salvador. The distance of her and I: infinite. Life does go on, and much like Spielberg bringing Seinfeld tapes with him on the set of Schindler’s List, I will do the same by listing off my favorite Seinfeld episodes on my blog, an unoriginal idea but…fff!! Also, my feelings towards a certain someone grew unexpectedly. As I’ve mentioned, life can be pretty complicated about things like that.
November 1, 2011...
This is it! November will be my month of triumph. No longer will I hinder my own progress on long-term projects by watching comedies until 1 in the morning. No longer will I stare at a blank page for hours with all of my books and resources carelessly spilled out onto the tables. No longer will I grovel about how much of a failure I am. No, enough is enough! I will be a college student! Wait, hold on… How many papers have I written in two months? 5, technically, and have I enjoyed writing those papers? Well, yes, since I chose the subject for each. As it turns out, I’m already a college student and have been one since August 24. There might be one overarching problem that continues to be a problem, but in all other regards, life as a college student has been wonderful. By joining a fraternity, I’m learning about how to be a responsible person in an irresponsible world, whatever that means. I set my own schedule, do my own laundry, and so on, and so forth. I finally have two jobs and making enough to live by, and overall, I’m amazed at the amount of friends I’ve made in the first 2 months after fearing I would only make a couple. Of course, seeing if those friendships will remain by the end of the year is another story. No one ever considers that unless they have a personal relationship with their friends; usually, we stroll across the days thinking it’ll be the same for the rest of our college experience, unaware of the possibility of change. Whether or not that possibility makes us happy or not is another question to ask on another day. Either way, it’s going pretty well so far, and aside from the warmth that grows in our dorm, I’ve got no complaints…yet.
Editor's note: October 18th's entry was The Twentisecond One, with a few edits before posting.
NW? - This Room... NW? - Fixing the Flat
Sunday, November 6, 2011
The Twentithird One
Ladies and gentleman of the jury, I may or may not be losing my fucking mind right now. At this point, I have no evidence to confirm either diagnosis, but I'm pretty sure I'm losing it. My back aches right now, the pain is mostly around the right shoulder blade, due to the amount of crap I lugged around yesterday for some goddamn reason. And I'm swearing a lot, another thing to check-mark. Why is this relevant, ladies and gentleman? Where's the connection with losing my mind and having back pain? As it turns out, I have also been shaking uncontrollably for the past hour and a half. Now this may have something to do with the window being open, but most likely, my thoughts have been racing incredibly fast, and my body has to compensate for it. As each thought makes its way across my body, I can feel each thought blazing right through.
I apologize in advance for this post. As you can tell, it's more disorganized than my posts usually are. I've had several conversations with some close friends and each of them, whether they were a sophomore, or a senior in college, convinced me that my life in college was only an illusion, and that I'm only taking on a separate personality. It's fair to say that, if you're someone who studies more often than you sleep, and if all of your classes are terrible and complete wastes of time, but for some reason, I never thought of college this way. I've enjoyed the 2 months I've spent in college so far, and yes, they have been a difficult two months, but at no expense to myself as a human being. Maybe I was wrong. When I realize the things I've had to give up in order to turn in a certain assignment in on time, it's really depressing. Most of the time I spend on weekdays is in my room or at the library studying. Is that a fair reason to complain about not having a life? I think my real problem is that I'm gullible, superficially gullible. I've never considered the negative aspects of a person, and when I hear them for the first time, it's always a shock. Why? It's true. So-and-so instead of being this, is actually this. We all have the skeletons in our closet about disturbing things that wouldn't be acceptable in polite society. I'm afraid of having sex. Deathly afraid. Why? I've been having an identity crisis for quite some time, between my adult self, the crazy, swearing, cynical 18 year old, and my past self, the crazy, sweet, intelligent 10 year old, and when I think of myself in a bedroom with someone, I'll hesitate because of the 10 year old self. It's the same reason I'm always shaving, and trying to stop swearing. It's just so damn confusing. One more thing, it took me years to break my habit of not saying "so", since I thought saying "so" would make me sound stupider; well, I don't have to sound like a brilliant person every day, especially when formulating the thoughts precisely enough to make sense of it is complicated and frustrating enough as it is.
Is there any reason to be complaining right now? Is my life, at this point in time, better than it has been before? Of course it is, and yet, there's still something wrong. I woke up this morning, thinking about someone's request of no longer asking invasive questions, and I don't know what to do about it. I've asked a lot of unusual questions before, but how can anyone react politely with that kind or request? You'll only be spurred into asking more "invasive" questions, such as "What kind of questions wouldn't be invasive?" Frankly, I feel terrible that I made them feel this way, and I imagine they've felt this way for a long time, and finally had the courage to ask that question. Should I feel insulted by the fact that they asked it? Personally, I've always asked questions like that, so being asked not to do that is an attack to my personality. Maybe I'm reacting childishly about it; I'll admit I had a tantrum just a few minutes ago, and yesterday when I was at the park. Maybe the reason I'm asking all of these questions is only because of their request. If asking invasive questions isn't an appropriate way to develop a friendship, then what is, and if it's supposed to be really obvious, why can't I understand that?
Life can be complicated, sometimes. All the time.
I apologize in advance for this post. As you can tell, it's more disorganized than my posts usually are. I've had several conversations with some close friends and each of them, whether they were a sophomore, or a senior in college, convinced me that my life in college was only an illusion, and that I'm only taking on a separate personality. It's fair to say that, if you're someone who studies more often than you sleep, and if all of your classes are terrible and complete wastes of time, but for some reason, I never thought of college this way. I've enjoyed the 2 months I've spent in college so far, and yes, they have been a difficult two months, but at no expense to myself as a human being. Maybe I was wrong. When I realize the things I've had to give up in order to turn in a certain assignment in on time, it's really depressing. Most of the time I spend on weekdays is in my room or at the library studying. Is that a fair reason to complain about not having a life? I think my real problem is that I'm gullible, superficially gullible. I've never considered the negative aspects of a person, and when I hear them for the first time, it's always a shock. Why? It's true. So-and-so instead of being this, is actually this. We all have the skeletons in our closet about disturbing things that wouldn't be acceptable in polite society. I'm afraid of having sex. Deathly afraid. Why? I've been having an identity crisis for quite some time, between my adult self, the crazy, swearing, cynical 18 year old, and my past self, the crazy, sweet, intelligent 10 year old, and when I think of myself in a bedroom with someone, I'll hesitate because of the 10 year old self. It's the same reason I'm always shaving, and trying to stop swearing. It's just so damn confusing. One more thing, it took me years to break my habit of not saying "so", since I thought saying "so" would make me sound stupider; well, I don't have to sound like a brilliant person every day, especially when formulating the thoughts precisely enough to make sense of it is complicated and frustrating enough as it is.
Is there any reason to be complaining right now? Is my life, at this point in time, better than it has been before? Of course it is, and yet, there's still something wrong. I woke up this morning, thinking about someone's request of no longer asking invasive questions, and I don't know what to do about it. I've asked a lot of unusual questions before, but how can anyone react politely with that kind or request? You'll only be spurred into asking more "invasive" questions, such as "What kind of questions wouldn't be invasive?" Frankly, I feel terrible that I made them feel this way, and I imagine they've felt this way for a long time, and finally had the courage to ask that question. Should I feel insulted by the fact that they asked it? Personally, I've always asked questions like that, so being asked not to do that is an attack to my personality. Maybe I'm reacting childishly about it; I'll admit I had a tantrum just a few minutes ago, and yesterday when I was at the park. Maybe the reason I'm asking all of these questions is only because of their request. If asking invasive questions isn't an appropriate way to develop a friendship, then what is, and if it's supposed to be really obvious, why can't I understand that?
Life can be complicated, sometimes. All the time.
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